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Thread: feedback please

  1. #1
    i harris

    feedback please

    to all respondants: please take no offense to the writing. my intent is to entertain and inform, and break barriers. your support and understanding is appreciated...

    [Sorry i harris
    We try and keep things pg13 around here. So I have removed your piece. I am sure you can find some Writersnetters who are willing to offer a critique via email.


    <!-- Now, you know niggas attract heat and there was plenty of em’ in here to go ‘round.

    It was hot! Beads of perspiration were forming on my forehead and nose.
    There was that sticky feeling in the creases of my armpits.
    The lining of my thong underwear was clinging to my pussy like white on rice.
    Sweat was streaming down my inner thigh.
    I’m usually as cool as a fan, but I was beginning to lose my cool.
    Not because I was forcing my deodorant to work hard, but I almost bust my ass on this slippery dance floor.

    Bottles were overflowing with the bubbly. Spirits were being poured on a too regular basis.
    Drinks whirled to the rim of each glass, some splashed and, many made their way to the ground. Jay-Z’s club anthem “Give it to me” shook the walls.
    Sardine-packed bodies engaged in a friendly pulling and pushing warfare.

    The niggas bumped elbows and rubbed shoulders gracefully. They were stunting hard, waiting for the first chick to give the slightest inclination that they would give up some ass at the end of the night.

    The bitches in the joint bounced their asses and popped their pussies in unison. These ho’s were performing for drinks, rides home and hard dick. What they didn’t know was that half these mutha****as weren’t good for a drink, didn’t have vehicles, and come up short on the dick. The good thing though, was that everybody was having a ball and, no one was hatin’.

    It was still hot as hell and I almost bust my ass again! Well I can’t blame it all on the conditions. It was a combination of the humidity, drunk people and, spilled drinks, not to mention the three I consumed earlier. Either way, if I had fallen, I would’ve been straight ****ing embarrassed.
    And Humph, Phara ain’t tryna rock like that there. I noticed my people standing right outside the dance floor, so I moved in their direction.

    “Ha-ha-ha,” “Girl you know crazy. I saw you tryna’ save face a couple of times out there.” Misa laughed
    “I guess you got a Lil’ overzealous when “Ain’t no nigga . . . ” came on.”, “I peeped you grabbing that nigga’s shoulder so you wouldn’t bust that ass!” Toni joined in.

    “Nah that ain’t zeal that’s love baby.”, “And ain’t na’an nigga like the one I got, Aiight!”
    “He’s the ****ing bomb, the ultimate nigga! Remember that aiiight” I replied as I thought about tomorrow.

    Tomorrow would be the first day of eternal rapture for me. Oh! I mean us! Me and my baby Hassan that is. We’re going to pick up where we left off five years ago. Hassan was coming home, finally! He had been locked up for five long years for a botched robbery attempt on a Brinks armored truck.

    “Somebody slipped” he says, I say somebody snitched!
    But you know niggas and theymansandthem. Never speak against a man’s home boys, it won’t count, ever.
    A bitch could never come in between guys, it seems that’s a stipulation when it comes to the friendship, but I’ll let you tell it.

    Anyway, all of them got knocked, but out of a four-man team, Has was the only one to serve time, five ****ing years!
    He took the blame. He said it didn’t make sense for four people to do time for one crime. My baby is a soldier! Not one of his “homies” held him down either. -->

  2. #2
    Queen V

    Re: feedback please

    Not sure what kind of feedback you're looking for here... where would you be attempting to publish this? Is it a part of a short story or a longer novel? In my locality, there is a serial magazine called "The Damn Damn Damn Chronicles" which reads a lot like this. They give it away free at barber shops, record stores, and the like.

  3. #3
    i harris

    Re: feedback please

    well, i guess i would like an overall critique. this portion is from a novel i am currently working on, so i haven't even begun to considered where or how i want to publish. "TDDDC" sounds really interesting and i am definately looking for outlets for my work. please give me more info on this

  4. #4
    Brady Boyd

    Re: feedback please

    This is a public website visited by persons of all ages. I abhor that you did not take this into consideration before posting this where young people could read it. That's just my own personal opinion, and I hope Hamish is here soon with his mop.


  5. #5
    Brady Boyd

    Re: feedback please

    Before somebody jumps in here whining about freedom of speech, here's a part of this site's user agreement.

    In consideration of being allowed to use the Discussion Board/Chat Room faclities provided by Company, User agrees that User will not:
    a. Use the Discussion Board/Chat Room facilities for any purpose in violation of local, state, or national laws of any country.

    b. Post material that is copyrighted, unless User is the copyright owner or has the permission of the copyright owner to post it.

    c. Post material that reveals trade secrets, unless User owns them or has the permission of the copyright owner.

    d. Post material that infringes on any other intellectual property rights of others or on the privacy or publicity rights of others.

    e. Post material that is obscene, defamatory, threatening, harassing, abusive, hateful, or embarrassing to another User or any other person or entity.

    f. Post sexually-explicit images.

    g. Post advertisements or solicitations of business.

    h. Disrupt the normal flow of dialogue, or post comments that are not related to the topic being discussed (unless it is clear that the discussion is free-form).

    i. Post chain letters or pyramid schemes.

    j. Impersonate another person.

  6. #6
    Jerry Hatchett

    Re: feedback please

    ABSOLUTELY agree, Brady. Feedback on this kind of work should be handled in private fora or via email, not on a wide-open forum like this.


  7. #7
    Julia Nicole

    Re: feedback please

    The language is too broken for me to even understand it. The number of *** is almost too high for me to bother counting and your chop up so many words that it doesn't even sound realistic.

    Maybe I'm just unable to comprehend the style you've chosen. Idk.


  8. #8
    Pat Mac

    Re: feedback please

    Brady, it's only fiction.

    The fact that there's an objection to it indicates that not everyone in here is this writer's audience.

    I don't like it, but I won't try to get it erased.

  9. #9
    Gary Kessler

    Re: feedback please

    Well, that certainly misses Brady's point completely, Pat Mac.

  10. #10
    Jeanne Gassman

    Re: feedback please

    This reminds me of the porn piece that was submitted to our critique group by a new member a few months ago. The work was basically your "adolescent sexual fantasy letter to Penthouse." Our members politely declined and suggested that the story wasn't really appropriate for our type of group.

    Some things are just not appropriate to be posted on a very public forum. This is one of them. Sorry, i harris, but you need to share this with a private critique group (who knows you) or circulate it to a personal email buddy list.

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