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  1. #1
    David Squire

    Opinions Continued

    Can I disagree with how people have read 'The Emperorís New Clothes'?

    www.altair-australia.com/altair/agree.html (sorry, I don't know how to create links and stuff)

    Now, I know I'm not published and nowhere near as experienced as others here, but the reviews I read really sounded like they were about a different story.

    I didn't find too much wrong with the grammar, as it was well within the Oli character's POV with little use of a narrator. I like that and I thought the story, once you connected the ending with the title, was quite clever - not sure how that could be missed, but then again I read a lot of short fiction in many genres.

    I never drew a connection with hunger, only that Oli asked for food - the greater question, to me, was the rain, being wet and the cold. As I neared the end of the story the penny dropped a little when Oli thinks that maybe he should do a runner to make sure. Straight away I knew he wanted to be arrested. That was when I thought the Oli character was playing the police quite well in order to get arrested; not too wasted to get put in hospital and not too agressive to end up in court.

    Once I got to the 'I am King, I am King' I understood the connection with the title and an odd take on the children's classic.

    The story, to me, painted an interesting view of society from the addict's viewpoint. Society was his kingdom and Oli was King.

    There were subtle hooks and lead ins, but maybe too subtle because others missed them. There was also interesting tension; not blatant but more a cross of personal and physical.

    Oli was at odds with himself and in conflict with his environment (always wanted to use that. Read it in one of the squillions of writing books I have) and he takes steps to remove himself from the cold and wet. Though not stated, he probably got food as well.

    So, I am at odds with probably far better reviewers than myself, but to make things simple, I liked it and I thought once I read the end, it was quite clever.

    Now, I have probably just provent to everyone here that I am very, very dumb.


  2. #2
    jim holm

    Re: Opinions Continued

    Merely correcting the spelling of Oregon and a few of the more obvious errors doesn't make this sow's ear a coin receptacle.

    How many exclamation points are needed to pump life into stilted dialogue? In a story this length, even two exclamation points are excessive.

    Punctuation errors force the reader's eyes to slide off the page?

    Why the extraneous attributions?

    What coffee company would print a story on their label that contains f&#k?

    You might want to think about show not tell. "She didn't sound amused." Try "The officer patted Oli for weapons of mind destruction, missing her opportunity to laugh at Oli's wit."

    You might try to be a bit more subtle. "Oli didn't really consider that to be a threat." Try: "Oli's mouth struggled to remember how to smile."

    As long as you are using us to edit your story, you might check your indents.

    I still think you are Robert, and I still think you are using this site to try to sell your book, your editing (ironic as that is), and to promote your contest.


  3. #3
    Caitlin Kittredge

    Re: Opinions Continued

    I actually read the other story that was posted, "Agreeing to Live". He must have changed it since I looked. I left a critique of that one.

    As far as this one goes...I hope I don't sound like a mook when I say I didn't get it, and not for lack of trying. I went back and read it verrrrry carefully, looking for thematic elements. I have a bachelor's degree worth of Lit classes under my belt, so I really doubt I missed anything significant.

    Also, from a student's point of view the story reads like the pretentious tripe my classmates would turn in under the guise of "social commentary" when they didn't have any real creative ideas or anything relevant to say about "society".

    Sorry, I just don't see all the elements you're outlining in your critique. I think it's a badly written story trying to mask itself as contemporary and hip with the addicts and the nudity and the cursing. Gosh, for someone who hasn't hit mid-twenties yet I sound really frickin' old.

    That aside, I liked the first story he had posted better. At least it had aliens.

    I don't know if you're Robert, but it does seem awfully strange you'd ressurect this dead subject and bring about what's sure to be another pointless flame war. If you are Robert, grow up already. If you're not, maybe chose your topics a bit more carefully?

    My .02(US).

  4. #4
    Hamish (WritersNet)

    Re: Opinions Continued

    Although the dicussion started out innocently it's best to let this subject rest.

    Thank You

  5. #5
    David Squire

    Re: Opinions Continued

    I didn't say I was an expert, it was just my take on the story. I didn't see the other one, so I can't compare.

    Mr. Holm, I am not too sure what your problem is, but you do seem to only post very negatively.

    As I said, I liked the story and like others were asked, I posted my opinion.

    I don't know why you think I am RS as I understood you lot drove him away - well I will take some blame in that, I did remain silent.

    It appears to me that you are not commenting on a story at all and that would make what Hamish says correct - let it rest.

    I wonder how many other lurkers fear this type of attack for posting.

    David (my name even has less letters)

  6. #6
    jim holm

    Re: Opinions Continued

    Dinny - per your request I will let this die.


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