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  1. #31
    Plonker
    Guest

    Re: Women's opinion?

    This line could be changed :-
    "I felt mine tapping at my stomach and smiled..."

    to
    "It felt like a python crawling over my face -- I looked down and smiled knowingly..."



  2. #32
    Canni
    Guest

    Re: Women's opinion?

    It was fine. The dick-on-the-stomach part was well-written, palpable. The vampire/ice pick section was vivid, but overblown. I can't imagine anyone who would thrash about in pain over morning sunlight... unless the person IS a vampire or a cokehead.

    Dick worship is nothin' new. I doubt it will offend. But are women even your audience?????




    ***I found Ryan's use of pseudoscience "men are natural risk-takers" to be more offensive. (There's also a study by an evolutionary psychologist hack that 'proves' ALL men want to rape women... but I don't believe that claptrap either.) There's a lot of pseudoscience out there, and when it comes to gender and biological sexuation 95% of it is C-L-A-P-T-R-A-P meant to justify a social norm.

  3. #33
    Picture Book
    Guest

    Re: Women's opinion?

    I don't know why you'd want a woman's opinion--the protag seems he'd be happy to play with himself.

  4. #34
    Mirth
    Guest

    Re: Women's opinion?

    Ray s. Bravo! I can take it the way you've written it!

  5. #35
    Ryan Bruner
    Guest

    Re: Women's opinion?

    I found Ryan's use of pseudoscience "men are natural risk-takers" to be more offensive. (There's also a study by an evolutionary psychologist hack that 'proves' ALL men want to rape women... but I don't believe that claptrap either.) There's a lot of pseudoscience out there, and when it comes to gender and biological sexuation 95% of it is C-L-A-P-T-R-A-P meant to justify a social norm.

    Canni:

    Don't mean to be argumentative here...but in the past 20 years, science has thoroughly disproven that the social differences in men and women are due to social conditioning. It has been PROVEN that the male brain functions, at a biological level, differently than the female brain. It has been PROVEN that testerone increases the "drive" in men that leads to more risk-taking. The fact that you are offended by it is of no concern to me, for it is no different than saying you are offended to suggest men can't bear children.

    There was a time, several decades ago, that science got side-tracked due to a political view suggesting that gender roles are the result of social conditioning. Such "claptrap" as you might say has been thoroughly discredited, with no scientific basis.

    Equating scientificially proven facts about gender differences with some idea that "all men want to rape women" serves no purpose, because such a claim is based on some psychological theory, and no physiological, scientific analysis.

  6. #36
    Reese
    Guest

    Re: Women's opinion?

    Well, Rich, I was pretty much turned off about half way through the first line ...
    "Is there anything more reassuring to a man than the comfort of the morning erection? Anything that more firmly (pardon the pun), hammers home (there's another),...

    [PUNS NOT PARDONED - don't hit your reader over the head with the puns. Let them settle a bit more subtly. Assume your readership to have an adequately functioning I.Q. we can tell a pun when we read it. And it ain't always so punny.]

    ...the simple fact that we have beaten the odds against age and illness (not to mention or own penchant for alcohol-driven risk-taking), and made it to live yet another day? Unlike alarm clocks and six a.m. trash pick-ups, it awakens us not with a jolt, but with a nudge, a gentle entry into an ungentle world. A woman who says she doesn't understand a man's obsession with his ***** has never been awakened by one-- at least not one of her own.

    [This shows a gross lack of knowledge of a woman's anatomy. Although the 'equipment' is not so obvious, much of the same processes go on during arousal. No. You probably won't find a woman waxing poetic about the finer points of her genitalia and, despite a general male obsession with same, women, like men, have been known to wake up aroused at the crack of dawn. Maybe a little more research is in order here.]

    I felt mine tapping at my stomach and smiled, opening my eyes to greet the day.

    A blazing sun hit my unprepared retinas like two flaming ice picks.

    [As previously mentioned, this guy would KNOW unequvocally that the sun was shining through that window.]

    Suddenly I was shrieking and beating the air like a vampire in a tanning booth, before finally tumbling off the bed and onto the floor.

    [And what a wimp! ("... shrieking and beating the air like a vampire in a tanning booth ..."?) It's a good line but ... really? Isn't that a bit of overkill for the situation?]

    I lay there temporarily blind, my nether self all but forgotten, blinking like an owl. Soon enough sight returned, and it brought a hangover with it."

    [My recommendation is to sit at home and drink yourself into a grain fed stupor tonight. When you wake up in the morning, consider whether or not you are aware of the hangover before you get out of bed. My money is on the hangover being what wakes you up.]

    Overall, this passage left me cold.

  7. #37
    Rich L.
    Guest

    Re: Women's opinion?

    Very interesting comments. Didn't expect to turn into a male/female bash-a-thon, especially after the whole, "vagina-monologues" era. I thought that sort of evened-up the area of genital obsession.

    Since Ray brought up the pee factor, I thought I'd let you see a bit more of the section:

    It’s odd how when one sense fades, another becomes more attuned. My vision was blurred but my nose was telling me this room had once housed a dog-- and not a particularly well-trained one at that. I envied him. The thought of standing and walking to the bathroom seemed beyond human endurance, but my bladder was insistent. Either I pushed myself off the floor or I’d have to disgrace myself on the rug and skulk out of the motel before the cleaning lady came. Discretion won out.

    Teetering over the bowl, my arm supporting me against the wall, I thought the process would never end. How much fluid can a single human body hold? When it finally came to a halt I felt drained of all vital fluids-- including bone marrow. Weak but upright, I figured I’d better take a shower while my legs still worked.

    A shower and a shave later, my head didn’t feel any better but at least I no longer felt on the verge of collapse. The idea of food was repugnant, but coffee sounded good so I headed for the kitchen.

    Casual was adjusting a large blue hat on her head as I poured the coffee. “Going somewhere?” I asked.

    “Church o’course. It’s Sunday. Don’t suppose you a church going man?”

    “Not any more. Used to be though. Even went to parochial school as a child. Our Lady of the Wielded Ruler, or some such thing.”

    “Oh I see. You a Catholic then?”

    “Recovering. I blew out a knee during a marathon Easter mass at the Cathedral of Unnecessary Sorrows a few years back and had to throw in the rosary.”

    “Well, I think every man needs a church. It help keep him outta trouble. There’s other churches you could join, you know. You don’t have to be a Catholic, do you?”

    “Oh, I’ve looked into a few. I thought of being a Druid, but apparently the dearth of virgins has pretty much killed the religion. The Juke says I’d make a good Jew, but I don’t know. I’m not circumcised and the idea of having it done now at my age scares me. I’m kind of a bleeder.”

    Casual slipped on a pair of white gloves while eying me warily. “You know Mr. McDermitt, I’m sure you’re a very smart man-- probably one of those that just likes pulling people’s legs, but a person could take your words as being blasphemous.”

    “Sorry. No offense meant.”

    “Well as I’m a Christian woman I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and just figure that you is a mite confused. Still, I think I’ll be going now before I get confused too. I’ll say a prayer for you in church if you like, but I might be setting my sights a bit high. You have a nice day now.”

  8. #38
    Reese
    Guest

    Re: Women's opinion?

    Sorry, that didn't really help at all. Now I'm disturbed about consistency and continuity.

    "Either I pushed myself off the floor or I’d have to disgrace myself on the rug and skulk out of the motel before the cleaning lady came." -- "...but coffee sounded good so I headed for the kitchen."

    He's in a motel and he has a kitchen? I've been in hotel suites that have kitchenettes but, even the most high-end motel I've seen hasn't had a kitchen, though some might have a small refrigerator. Some even offer a microwave for a few extra bucks. Mostly, though, you find a four-cup coffee maker, some styrofoam cups, cream and sugar packets, and two sealed-in-a-filter coffee packets - one decaf, one regular, setting on the dresser.

    Is this a slip or what?

  9. #39
    Rich L.
    Guest

    Re: Women's opinion?

    It's an Inn, a converted home. Very small.

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