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  1. #1
    Amanda Roper
    Guest

    Your thoughts, please.

    I am starting out my career with writing children's picture books. I feel fairly confident with prose; however, I have recently completed a short tale in verse, which is an area where I know that I need to improve. The poem is listed below. Please, let me know what you think.




    THE CALM




    I found a strange world,
    Just outside my door.
    It looked not at all like
    What I left an hour before.
    The grass shined brightly green
    Against the dark gray sky.
    The laundryman’s hand is quick,
    Which used that otherworldly dye.
    Not a breeze was stirring,
    It seemed the world stood still.
    I glanced over my shoulder.
    The cat left the windowsill.
    Is it the stillness,
    That screams in my ear?
    The absolute calm that says,
    “You better get out of here?”
    I turned to the house,
    As a cold wind blew.
    I had but little time to spare,
    All my preparing to do.
    I gathered the candles.
    Dot hid under a chair.
    Daylight became dark as pitch,
    Tension danced like sparks on air.
    Rain pelted on the roof,
    Wind rattled the windows.
    I sat curled up in the chair,
    Closed my eyes and tried to doze.
    We heard the footsteps
    Of the great Spirit-Sire.
    We saw the lightning flash,
    Felt the heat of heaven’s fire.
    The air, once so warm,
    Had become quite chill.
    I sighed to once again hear
    The songbirds begin to trill.
    I put on a sweater,
    And flung open the door.
    The sun broke through the clouds, and
    Cast a shadow on the floor.
    At once, I could see that
    Wind had broken our tree.
    Yet, the flowers bloomed again
    And danced most happily.
    I had asked my Mom,
    “Why is a storm gain?”
    She had simply smiled and said,
    “It makes the world live again.”



  2. #2
    J.C.
    Guest

    Re: Your thoughts, please.



    It's a good concept, but, when starting out in the writing biz with rhyming books, your foot and meter need to be perfect. Yours is good, but not perfect. Also,


    "I found a strange world,
    Just outside my door.
    It looked not at all like
    What I left an hour before."
    this is imperfect foot. to make it perfect, it should read something like,
    "I found a strange world
    Just ouside my door.
    It didn't look like
    It used to before."



    "The grass shined brightly green
    Against the dark gray sky.
    The laundryman’s hand is quick,
    Which used that otherworldly dye."


    shined is not a verb, to my knowledge. "shone" is.
    :-) J.C.

  3. #3
    Donald Lowery
    Guest

    Re: Your thoughts, please.

    Whadda I know...The calm before the storm captured all of my thoughts and feelings. Your magnificient description, I liked it so very much just like it is. Untouched, perhaps your big talent is to let any story slip out in the open light like you did so well here.

    This is where you belong, when you want to be in touch with you and your words.

  4. #4
    Jane
    Guest

    Re: Your thoughts, please.

    Amanda,

    I know near zilch about composing poetry but liked yours very much. Good strong deep feelings that stir emotions in others.

    Jane

  5. #5
    Amanda Roper
    Guest

    Re: Your thoughts, please.

    Meter is one thing that I have always had a problem getting correct. Thanks for the tip. My face is beet red about the shined - shone mixup.

    Thank you all.

  6. #6
    Shannon Carroll
    Guest

    Re: Your thoughts, please.

    hi...i'm no expert, but i've taken some creative writing poetry classes, etc. here at school. one thing to remember is that you don't need to use the word in the exact form that you're supposed to. that's the whole point. change a noun to a verb and make someone think. so if the word sounds good to you, great. nothing in poetry ever needs to be grammatically sound. look at all the great authors. secondly, when using end rhyme, you have to be VERY careful. it's better to be more unpredictable. you want to catch your reader off-guard, present them with a new way of thinking that is outside of what they'd normally see. i LOVE your poem. the images and the emotions speak very clearly. however, the constant search for end-rhyme can halt the emotion, and make it seem somewhat more simplistic than it really is. kind of sing-songy. i don't expect you to necessarily take this to heart, and please, please, please! don't take it offensively. i'm just passing the knowledge of what i've learned here at madison.

  7. #7
    Shannon Carroll
    Guest

    Re: Your thoughts, please.

    o, and ps. if you're interested in learning a lot about writing poetry, an excellent book to look at is "the triggering town" by richard hugo. a few quotes are as follows, just to let you know what it's like before you go and spend 12 bucks: "when you start to write you carry to the page one of two attitudes, though you may not be aware of it. One is that all music must conform to truth. The other that all truth must conform to music." (5) "You owe reality nothing and the truth about your feelings everything." (6) "...all good serious poems are born in obsession." (7) "A poem seldom finds room for explanations, motivations, or reason." (8) "once language exists only to convey information, it is dying." (11)

    anyways, i really hope to have sparked interest in this book for someone out there, because it really is worth looking at, no matter what level of writing you are at. whether or not you enjoy hugo's poetry, his knowledge is extremely helpful.

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