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  1. #1
    Picture Book
    Guest

    Please help me.....

    With this difficult paragraph.....I'd really appreciate the help!






    Thunderous chat in the vast Dining Hall tones down to mumbles, to whispers to silence. Slam, bang, slam. Gavels a go-go. His Worshipful Master Bertram Beddoes and Mrs. Dorothy Beddoes are to be ceremoniously clapped to the top table. The applause starts at tempo largo, speeds up to allegro finally reaches the crescendo.



  2. #2
    Bob Kellogg
    Guest

    Re: Please help me.....

    Gee, PB, I don't know what to say. I like all your sentences, but didn't quite get "gavels a go-go" at first. One person slamming a gavel? Perhaps a different comment.

    But if the gavel silences the hall, shouldn't it come before the "...down to mumbles?"

    Like this? "Slam, bang, slam. Thunderous chat in the vast Dining Hall gavelled down to mumbles, to whipsers...to silence. His worshipful..."

    Dunno, but I have a hunch its the sequence of things that bothers you. If not, dunno.

    Bob K.

  3. #3
    Picture Book
    Guest

    Re: Please help me.....

    Bob...didn't see that sequence error...you are right...gavels, then mumbles, etc.

    Five gavels sound in turn, how do I express that one?

    I'm also doubtful about the musical terms; does that sentence sound/work ok?

  4. #4
    Christopher Cosenza
    Guest

    Re: Please help me.....

    Hey PB,

    Finally we can talk about something other than laptops. ;-)

    Though I wouldn't rewrite this paragraph, I would modify some content. As an avid piano player and Italian language enthusiast, the words largo, allegro and crescendo may be a little misused regarding redundancy. Crescendo means to build gradually, usually in loudness, it does not mean PEAK or SUMMIT. You have "Finally reaches the crescendo.' A crescendo can't be reached. And allegro means fast or faster and you have "speeds to allegro" which translated means "speeds to fast, or faster." Largo means slow, so I assume you are going for that since applause can start slow. Is there a reason for the musical/italian terms? Is this a story about a pianist/musician?

    I would just use English unless there is a compelling reason for the terms. You will send the reader running for their music lesson workbooks if they aren't familiar with these terms and the last thing you want is for them to put your book down.

    If you want to keep these terms in, let me know and I'll try to come up with something that will read better for you.

    Christopher

  5. #5
    Liz
    Guest

    Re: Please help me.....

    Someone said in an earlier post that in adult fiction it's a no-no to make word-sounds like "Bam!" Better to describe them than try to imitate them. (sorry!)

  6. #6
    Donald Lowery
    Guest

    Re: Please help me.....

    I agree with Bob on the go-go and the sequence. I overdo it on sequence--extremely important, not only in a sentence and a paragraph, but also from the story's beginning to the end. Boy! you can pack some high amounts of words and things in a short paragraph.

    Regarding the use of Worshipful Master:
    I've heard those words--"Worshipful Master"--all my life, and still do not know exactly how the two words should be used and really what they mean. No Kidding. Educate me.

    worshipful with a small "w" is explained good enough in my dictionary--"Chiefly Brit,honourable by virtue of position or rank", but no entry for a worshipful master with caps?

  7. #7
    Donald Lowery
    Guest

    Re: Please help me.....

    Should Slam! Bang! Slam! use exclamation points?

  8. #8
    Picture Book
    Guest

    Re: Please help me.....

    It's Masonic speak...Worshipful Master, Grand Lodge, etc....



    What? No onomatopoeia allowed?! No bangs and booms?

    .
    ..but as this is written in first person singular narrative, present tense.....

  9. #9
    Picture Book
    Guest

    Christopher

    'If you want to keep these terms in, let me know and I'll try to come up with something that will read better for you.'



    Yes, I really need to keep the musical terms, (but more appropriate ones,) so I'd appreciate some assistance here!


    This particular tradition: Couple enter dining hall, clapping starts off slowly, in rhythm, about 50 beats per minute, then as they approach the table, it's about 100 beats per minute, then finally, when they actually sit, the clapping changes to a normal random applause.

    My son guaged this with a metronome as I clapped, so how's that for accuracy?!


    Thanks, Christopher...can you do something with this?

  10. #10
    Christopher Cosenza
    Guest

    Re: Christopher

    Sure thing PB, I'm on deadline now but I might be able to get to it between editions. If not, I'll do it tonight when I get home (1 a.m.) and then post it or e-mail you with it.

    CC

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