Interested in Critique - Memoir of Abuse Survivor |
Author: Donna Penticost (---.dyn.aci.on.ca)
Date: 05-24-08 19:11
~Chapter One~
Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives – Maya Angelou
“Happy Birthday to you”. “Blow out your candles, Donna, the wax is getting all over your cake.” mom moved closer to help me blow out the candles, as she always did, ensuring they all went out on the first blow, so my birthday wish would come true. When I opened up my eyes, they were all out and excited that my wish was pretty much in the bag; my mom began to cut the cake. Like all birthdays, the long standing rule was, the birthday girl always got the first and biggest piece. Mom passed me my cake, and I quickly dug my fork in shoveling a large piece up into my mouth. I was disappointed to realize immediately upon entry, that the cake was hard and dry, and even though it was chocolate, my favourite, it didn't taste good at all.
The present part of birthdays was always the best any way, and having put my cake aside, I pushed to continue on with the rest of the birthday. “Mom, are we going down to the lake now? Will you push me on the swings?” I asked excited, as we rarely went down to the lake even though it was only about a 10 minute walk from our apartment. We lived on King Street, just before it turned into Roncenvalles and our apartment faced Lake Ontario, which was easily accessible by crossing a bridge over the Gardiner Expressway. My gift this year was that mom would take Cindy and me down to the lake and spend some time at the playground. “When I finish my beer, Donna, we'll go, I promise.” She often hung out with her friend Teresa, who was very tall, wore lots of makeup, and was really loud all the time. She had two boys, Murdoch who was 2 years older than me and Willard who was 10 years older than me. We didn't see the boys often, but Teresa was like a fixture in our home. So I waited patiently, watching intently as the beer in my mom's bottle got closer to the bottom. Just as I was getting ready to get up from the table to go grab my jacket, she opened another. “But, mom, you promised, let's go now.” I pleaded, realizing that she was not leaving now until that beer was gone as well. “Oh, Donna, don't worry, we'll go soon. Go watch some TV and when I am done, we'll go.” she slurred. Smiling and clearly ignoring my continued pleas, defeated, I obediently went to the front room and turned on the TV.
Cindy slid along side me and we tried to get lost in the TV, but I couldn't get the idea of going to the playground out of my head. Quietly, I got up off the sofa, went to the front hallway and grabbed my jacket. I am a spring baby, and April can be quiet chilly once the sun goes down. It was dusk out now and the street lights would be soon coming on. I opened the door slowly listening to my mom and a friend talking loudly in the kitchen, confident they didn't hear anything; I crept out onto the street and headed to the bridge.
Without hesitation, I crossed the busy street at the lights and began the journey over the bridge, stopping every few minutes to watch the cars on the highway below, and soon found myself at the playground, but by now it was very dark. I really tried to enjoy myself now that I had made it all the way here, but alone in the dark, it just didn't bring the kind of excitement I was hoping for. Cold, and decidedly bored, I turned and started to make my way back home. I was about 6 houses away from our front door, when I could make out my mom running towards me. “Where the hell is Cindy? What the @!#$ were you thinking?” she screamed at me, shaking me hard by my jacket. “Cindy? Cindy is at home. I didn't bring Cindy with me.” I was crying now, not understanding why I was being accused of taking Cindy.
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Re: Interested in Critique - Memoir of Abuse Survi |
Author: Ce Ce (---.clt.bellsouth.net)
Date: 05-24-08 19:42
Honestly?
Pretty much incoherent.
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Re: Interested in Critique - Memoir of Abuse Survi |
Author: Donna Penticost (---.dyn.aci.on.ca)
Date: 05-24-08 20:10
I really don't understand what you mean by incohent - and while I do appreciate critique, constructive would be helpful.
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Re: Interested in Critique - Memoir of Abuse Survi |
Author: Sail Away (---.tampfl.dsl-w.verizon.net)
Date: 05-24-08 21:04
Donna,
If you honestly do not understand Ce Ce's comment, then you need to read some well-written memoirs.
-SA
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Re: Interested in Critique - Memoir of Abuse Survi |
Author: Donna Penticost (---.dyn.aci.on.ca)
Date: 05-24-08 21:11
I don't want to be rude, honestly. And, maybe I should reword my subject line to read "Constructive Critique". I have had a Professor of Child Psychology and and English Professor read my chapters, and while they are not writers, I did not get "incoherent" as a response. So, please forgive me, but I do not understand, and maybe I will have someone kindly expand upon their critique which would be appreciated and helpful.
Thanks :)
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Re: Interested in Critique - Memoir of Abuse Survi |
Author: Ce Ce (---.clt.bellsouth.net)
Date: 05-24-08 21:36
Every story -- including a memoir -- has a beginning, a middle, and an ending. It's not a series of events strung together, or meaningless, mundane scenes. Every event matters, every character matters, and the reader has to care about those events and those characters.
You open your story with a kid having a birthday that ends in disappointment due to her drunken mom -- and I have no idea what the deal is with Cindy. It's a mundane scene that tells me nothing interesting about the story. Worse, it's a mundane scene not even well-related.
You have run-on sentences, problems with punctuation and capitalization, and you're over-writing ordinary actions.
Example:Mom passed me my cake, and I quickly dug my fork in (comma) shoveling a large piece (up = unnecessary word) into my mouth. I was disappointed to realize (immediately upon entry - You're kidding, right?), that the cake was hard and dry, and even though it was chocolate, my favourite, it didn't taste good at all.
Your paragraphs aren't broken correctly: You tend to have several people talking in a single paragraph rather than beginning a new paragraph when each person speaks.
The present part of birthdays was always the best any way, and having put my cake aside, I (pushed - Pushed what?) to continue on with the rest of the birthday. “Mom, are we going down to the lake now? Will you push me on the swings?” I asked (comma) excited, as we rarely went down to the lake even though it was only about a 10 minute walk from our apartment. (Previous sentence runs on way too long.) We lived on King Street, just before it turned into Roncenvalles and our apartment faced Lake Ontario, which was easily accessible by crossing a bridge over the Gardiner Expressway. (And thank you so much for the travel brochure.
The dialogue is also stilted and unnatural.
Shall I go on?
Just FYI, professors are not the best judges of what is being bought and published in today's market.
Take SA's advice and read a dozen or so of the good memoirs out there.
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Re: Interested in Critique - Memoir of Abuse Survi |
Author: Donna Penticost (---.dyn.aci.on.ca)
Date: 05-24-08 21:39
Thank you.
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Re: Interested in Critique - Memoir of Abuse Survi |
Author: Jeanne Gassman (---.ph.ph.cox.net)
Date: 05-24-08 22:56
Donna,
I'm not going to pile it on here since CeCe has pointed out the major problems. I'm not sure how far you are into this story, but I agree with Sail Away that you need to read some published memoirs. I teach a memoir writing class, and I have a list of memoirs that I recommend to my students. If you want to PM me, I can forward you that list (as an MS Word doc). Then, take a trip to library and do some heavy duty reading for a few weeks.
Other than the basic grammatical problems here, there are also some issues with POV and voice. I can't decide if this is an adult looking back at a childhood experience or if this a child's POV. The tone and diction don't quite fit with either one. Also, if this is your first chapter, there is not a lot happening here with any real tension. Here is what I see:
A birthday party with a bad cake
A mom who drinks too much and is slightly neglectful
A kid who breaks the rules and sneaks out and gets caught
Where is the conflict? The drama? These are fairly commonplace, TV-style crises. They aren't powerful enough to elicit a strong interest for an opening chapter. Now if the sister has really disappeared or been hit by a car or drowned in the bathtub...Well, that's drama, but you start with that, not with the birthday cake. If this is a story about childhood abuse, begin with a scene that shows the abuse.
Just my thoughts...
Jeanne
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Re: Interested in Critique - Memoir of Abuse Survi |
Author: Donna Penticost (---.dyn.aci.on.ca)
Date: 05-24-08 23:09
Thank you Jeanne. First, I didn't post the entire chapter, first mistake. At least that would have given it some context. One of the problems tabled by the English professor as well - who is telling the story? I am very new to this, and I admit, I have a lot to learn. It is difficult, because I am trying to speak to how I saw it as a child but get lost in telling it as an adult.
I start with my exact first memory which does lead to the beginning of abuse by the end of the first chapter. However, having said that, I don't think I will post any more of it here.
I would be very interested in PM - I am on Yahoo and MSN - if you let me know which one you use, I can send my id.
Again, thank you, I appreciate the feedback and the less abrupt manner :)
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Re: Interested in Critique - Memoir of Abuse Survi |
Author: Jeanne Gassman (---.ph.ph.cox.net)
Date: 05-25-08 00:30
Donna,
If you click on my name, you'll get a link to my email address. I'm on Yahoo. I'd rather not post it on here because the spam spiders can pick it up if you list it directly.
Jeanne
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Re: Interested in Critique - Memoir of Abuse Survi |
Author: Busy Lizzy (---.dip.t-dialin.net)
Date: 05-25-08 08:23
This is just me speaking,Donna. I don't have the experience or knowledge that the other posters above have.
They know what they're talking about, and it pays to listen.
But I'm going to do a little teeny bit of rebelling.
You may have made all those mistakes (read what they said) and generally I don't think there is much sense in pouring the sugar on and gushing how great something is, if it wasn't.
But I liked your excerpt. It drew me in and I must admit, that I felt very strongly for that poor kid. I liked that girl's spunk in going to the lake on her own. - Maybe you've got something good going there plotwise.
Although...child abuse is such a sad topic...Is it just going to be a book raving about hurts and shocking wrongs, or will it lead into something positive with some sort of perspective?
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Re: Interested in Critique - Memoir of Abuse Survi |
Author: Donna Penticost (---.dyn.aci.on.ca)
Date: 05-25-08 09:11
Busy Lizzy, thank you.
Yes, I've read some of ce ce's other remarks on this site and he does seem very knowledgeable. And, while it smarts to get your writing smacked harshly, I do appreciate his input, and even more, the extended version.
When I got over my initial defensive reaction, I went back and read it over, and he was absolutely right. So I have been reworking with a ce ce eye and I think it is coming along better for it.
I am taking a writing course, that starts next week, and I hope that will put me in the right direction.
I didn't post the entire chapter, and while it was poorly written, it would have give it more context. It's not a book only about hurts and shocking wrongs, but the life choices it leads to and a triumphant ending.
I must admit your comments gave me a bit of a lift and I really appreciate them :)
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Re: Interested in Critique - Memoir of Abuse Survi |
Author: Ce Ce (---.clt.bellsouth.net)
Date: 05-25-08 18:48
Yes, I've read some of ce ce's other remarks on this site and he does seem very knowledgeable.
She. She has more than twenty years in this business and a lot of published books under her belt.
And, yes, she can be abrupt. Even "brutal."
Thing is, the business can be a lot more brutal. And nobody in it, from agents to editors to reviewers to readers, is out to spare your feelings.
They want a good read. Deliver that, and you can sell a book, maybe even build a career. Fail to deliver that, and you're just one more wannabe, and in this market-driven time when numbers count, nobody is going to hold your hand and help you along.
Except maybe people you'll find at sites like this one. Who may sound brutal or abrupt or careless with the story near and dear to your heart, but who can help you learn and grow as a writer.
Choice is yours. :)
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Re: Interested in Critique - Memoir of Abuse Survi |
Author: Donna Penticost (---.dyn.aci.on.ca)
Date: 05-25-08 19:05
Ce Ce my apologies, one should never assume, and I did.
You are absolutely right! While brutal, you're comments were dead on, and because of them, I realize while I know I have a great story, I have to be able to "tell" a great story.
I decided it wouldn't be a bad idea to sign up for a writing course - specifically geared to memoirs. Also, Jeanne was kind enough to send me a list of memoirs I should read, and I will.
I did come to this site for critique and advice and I am grateful for the insight and experience from you and others.
Thanks you Ce Ce - you may be just what I needed. :)
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Re: Interested in Critique - Memoir of Abuse Survi |
Author: Ce Ce (---.clt.bellsouth.net)
Date: 05-25-08 19:09
Very gracious.
And very promising. :)
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Re: Interested in Critique - Memoir of Abuse Survi |
Author: Donna Penticost (---.dyn.aci.on.ca)
Date: 05-25-08 19:25
Thank you Ce Ce.
I will keep you updated on my progress. I do hope that one day you will be able to read a chapter or two of mine and be pleased to know you had a hand in it's improvement.
Kindest regards,
Donna
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