Author: L Bea (---.mclnva23.covad.net)
Date: 05-16-08 16:28
I struggled with this.
You have far too many words. You need to slice this thing way down. An area that you could start with is excess adverbs. I'm not telling you to get rid of all adverbs, because sometimes they're effective.
But look how many you have in just this one paragraph:
nearly
blue
soundly
lightly
white
red
petite
pink
thin
steadily
red
white
The digital clock on the dashboard showed that it was nearly three in the morning, and he had been driving for the past 8 hours in his blue Subaru Forester. Beside him, his girlfriend of two years, Erica Johnson, slept soundly, her head resting lightly on a white pillow propped up against the window. Her red sandals lay in a pile in the floorboard, while her feet were curled underneath her petite frame, which had a pink throw draped over it. Her head bobbed up and down slightly as they went along, and a thin trickle of saliva could be seen flowing steadily from her red lips to the white cotton fabric of the pillowcase.
Frankly, the whole paragraph should go. It doesn't "drive" (pun) your story forward at all, in my opinion.
But to illustrate how you could condense your writing, make it flow and not draaaaag, in that first sentence, you could:
The clock on the dashboard read three a.m. Erica stirred beside him. She'd been sleeping off and on for the past eight hours.
You're focusing too much on painting scenery and surroundings. BORING! Gradually lay out their history as you go along in the story. The first five pages need to capture your audience. Give us something that makes us want to keep reading.
You should start your story here (notice my little tweaks):
"Are we there?" she yawned. Jeremy sighed and shook his head, unlatching his seat belt.
"Something's wrong with the car. I'll check it out. Hand me the flashlight from the glove box."
"Okay, be careful. Where are we anyway?"
We don't know much about them yet, but they're traveling, there are at least two of them. In my version it's night. One had been possibly sleeping, one was frustrated. There's car trouble. I didn't tell you any of those things. You saw it through their dialogue. You can do the same thing in your narration.
Here's something else for you to think about. Instead of: His head began to swim, why not just His head swam. If swam is too far (because it's just beginning afterall LOL), then find a different word.
He managed to bring himself up to his knees, and prepared to be sick again as fresh waves of nausea rolled over him.
Could be:
He struggled to his knees, swaying to the waves of nausea rolling over him.
One other quick pointer is about your dialogue tags. Instead of so many adverbs describing their voice. Use strong verbs instead.
Instead of she said groggily - she yawned.
Instead of he said gruffily - he snapped.
Hope this helps.
Bea
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