Author: Otto Rabe
Date:   11-25-07 15:37

Hey All,
We are having "make it" christmas this year, so my gifts will be short stories. This is for my son, here is an excerpt of his short story. If you have time pls read and critique

thanks

Otto




It was a cold day in the sleepy little hamlet of Winturfal. Peter had just finished milking his uncle’s six goats, and was returning to the house for a cup of hot chocolate when he glanced up the snowy fields toward the mountain peak. It glared back at him as if to say, “You are not ready for the task.” Shaking his head, and stomping to remove the clinging ice from his boots, he opened the cabin door and went inside. There was a roaring fire working hard at warming the open great-room, while his aunt was busily moving to and fro in the kitchen. She glanced over her shoulder and wordlessly pointed to a mug sitting on the table. Peter cupped his hands around the streaming mug of hot chocolate, and sat down on one of the many skins surrounding the hearth.
Staring silently into the flames, he sipped at his coco and thought of his parents. He remembered the soft touch of his mother’s hands and the way she smelled of honey. He remembered the sound of his father’s strong voice, and the smile that always made him feel better. There was an ache inside of him that started in his belly and radiated throughout his entire body. It seemed so unfair for them to leave him here. A strong hand gently grasped his shoulder as he heard his uncle speak, “Peter, you will be ready soon enough. It is not wise to rush these things.”
Peter stood and turned to face his uncle saying, “I am ready now. I want to try again Uncle.”
Uncle Gustav’s smile was encouraging, even if a little grim, “Are you sure Peter?”
Peter just nodded and watched Uncle Gustav disappear into the recesses of his private room. A few minutes later Uncle Gustav returned from the room with a silk covered object. Walking over to the table hewn from a giant tree stump, he motioned for Peter to join him. Wordlessly he reached into the silk covering and removed a small mysterious box. The ornately carved box smelled of cedar, and had no apparent means of opening. No latch, no hinges, and no keyhole. It was covered with carvings of animals, stag, bear, fox, and hawk all represented on the various surfaces of the box. Outlining each carving was a thin gleaming band of silver that gave it a seamless quality.
Peter looked at the box, as he‘d done so many times before, trying to figure out how to open it. This riddle was the only thing that stood in between him and his rightful place at the side of his mother and father. He would have to solve this riddle in order to be reunited with them. Uncle Gustav stood and walked to the kitchen saying, “Let me know when you have had enough.” Peter didn’t reply. Studying the box for several years had led him to believe that the answer lie in touching the right carving, or carvings. It would be a fairly easy process to determine, if weren’t for the fact that each time he touched the box it delivered an extremely painful jolt. The last time he tried this he was thrown across the room and knocked unconscious. It took him a long time to work up the courage to try again.
The last time he tried to open the box he pushed the stag and the bear simultaneously. That did not go well. In the past he had tried every carving individually, each with the same results – a scorching shock that stood his hair on end. Now he was convinced that a combination of carvings was the answer. Readying himself for what he hoped wasn’t the inevitable result, he placed his pointer fingers over the fox and the hawk. Holding his breath he touched them both at the same time. The next thing he remembered happening was Uncle Gustav helping him out of the woodpile next to the great fireplace. “Had enough Peter,” he asked. Tears of frustration streaming from his face he ran from the cabin to the cold outside air.
Seated on a tree stump, and facing the mountain, he looked up at the stone path that his parents took when they left. He wondered if they missed him. He wondered what Uncle Gustav meant by, “You will be ready soon enough.” Would the box open automatically when he reached a certain age? He certainly hoped so because these last few attempts seemed to be getting more and more painful. It would definitely take him some time to work up the courage to try again. Kicking his feet against the tree stump he silently watched the sun go down over the mountain.

Author: Bran Down
Date:   11-26-07 02:13

Great stuff Otto. It sounds like a "try try and try again but you will never succeed."

A great goal to set your son. Otherwise you might try this ending -

Then one day the son grew bigger than the conniving and cruel adults who had mocked him for so long. So the next time he was presented with this ridiculous puzzle, he punched them out. Then while they lay bleeding on the floor he smashed the box open.


It was empty.

Author: Otto Rabe
Date:   11-26-07 10:02

Don't encourage him Bran, I'm having a tough time as it is! lol

Author: Cara K
Date:   11-26-07 10:30

I like it, Otto. I hope that you'll post more, because now I'm curious about that box! I think coco is spelled cocoa. Other than that, great job! And on a side note, what a nice dad you are, to write a story for your son. I think that's really sweet. And I'm sure he'll love it.

--CK

Author: Otto Rabe
Date:   11-26-07 10:44

Thank-you Cara,
good catch on the cocoa (ms word spellchecker victim) fixed it!

He's a good boy -- he deservs it (though sometimes I do favor coal, lol)

Otto

Author: gulliver h
Date:   11-26-07 22:13

This is good. (but do learn the lie and lay rule, ok?)

It's darn readable and engaging. Against all my principles, I'm interested...!

Finish it, if you haven't already, but don't make it too sweet, ok? (a personal request)

Author: Otto Rabe
Date:   11-26-07 23:08

Gulliver - of the sweetest things, those sweetest are salted with sadness. Your wish is my command!

Author: Otto Rabe
Date:   11-26-07 23:09

Lie and Lay - oops, thank-you for that

Author: gulliver h
Date:   11-26-07 23:52

Hey! I didn't say it was perfect, but it is really good. Don't stop working on it, perfect some constructions, simplify some sentences, there are a few tense issues, etc.

What a great gift, btw. Well done. (He'll be proud of you.)

Author: Otto Rabe
Date:   11-27-07 09:59

Gulliver,
yeah, I gladly welcomed a chance to be diverted from reworking "Kentriko," of which almost every sentence is a disaster. I've taken to reading some sentences out loud because I've figured out that there is a flow that needs to be protected, and word choice is the armor.

That being said, my only effective process for getting better is practice -- that seems to work!

When I read some of my favorite authors I quickly realize, I've a long way to go. But its fun.

be cool

Otto