Excerpt for feedback please and apologies |
Author: Samuel Potter (---.bbtec.net)
Date: 07-03-05 08:28
I read the post about paying for editors and someone mentioned it's a good idea to post an excerpt and get some feedback. Please feel free to comment on the following. (Note; English spelling)
Sorry for posting in the literary agents section originally!
NINE ~ THE EDGWARE ROAD
They mimic me, the butterflies in my stomach, flapping in an exhaustible panic at the sight of all the scantily clad women in their lascivious poses. Just act normal, I tell myself. After all, I mightn't be doing anything sinister; I could just be ringing my mother on her birthday, or arranging to meet a friend even. There's no reason why I shouldn't be, except of course that the phone boxes on the
Edgware road tend to be plastered from top to bottom in salacious call-cards and their very local phone numbers.
The traffic seems to be particularly heavy around here. Surely continents move faster than this? A skinhead in a white tank top sounds his horn relentlessly at the car in front, which refuses to move though the lights are on green. As they go red again, he winds down his window, leans out and yells '****in tip-cal womn driva', all the time screwing his right index finger into the temple of his head to make sure she knows exactly what he thinks of her. I'm a little puzzled myself -- it's bumper to bumper ahead. Finally, he retreats back into his D reg Cavalier: I guess he's got a reason to be pissed off after all.
A fire engine with sirens to stir the deaf navigates its way through the parting traffic as if being swallowed by some sort of mechanical peristalsis. A black Escort cuts in and tails along behind it, braking and accelerating hard in a bid to stay tight and leaves a
trail of gesticulating fingers and fists in its wake: I suspect the other drivers are mostly pissed that they didn't react quickly enough to do the same.
Throngs of Arabs sit outside shoddy cafes, puffing their elegant water pipes between mouthfuls of honey-soaked baklava, the apple tobacco aroma combining with the exhaust excretions to create a stifling atmosphere made worse by the unusually hot weather for April. And a Saturday too; the weekend skies are usually fully booked up by particularly horrid weather at this time of year.
On the other side of the road, two old-fashioned telephone boxes stand face to face as if they themselves are in conversation with each other. A middle-aged man, his grey T-shirt tucked in to threadbare jeans in an effort to keep his gut from spilling out further, occupies the box on the left, the handset wedged between his neck and shoulder as he writes something down in a notebook. He stops writing and starts prodding his forehead with the end of his biro and checks his watch. It's 2.43pm; I've been waiting nearly ten minutes for him to leave. A noxious odour alerts me to the fact I've lit the wrong end of my cigarette for the umpteenth time in my smoking career. I break the crumpled filter off and smoke the rest straight; I could do with the head-rush anyway.
He finally vacates the box and a rush of nerves fizzle up from my stomach to my chest like champagne bubbles as I set off across the road, trying in vain to avoid eye contact with the occupants of a double-decker bus, who stare out with paper faces, searching for incident to distract them from the chronic tedium. The ring of a bell stops me in my tracks as a bicycle whizzes past in slow motion, leaving a series of blurred images in it's wake; calf muscles, flexed and oily, pumping like pistons. Quickening my pace to the pavement, I step up to it with purpose and head resolutely for my target like a heat-seeking missile, and as the post-impact panic subsides and the dust settles, I find myself standing to attention with handset to ear and the line already ringing.
Over to you,
Samuel
|
|
Re: Excerpt for feedback please and apologies |
Author: Samuel Potter (---.bbtec.net)
Date: 07-03-05 18:09
Maybe it's a bit long for your consideration, but really just wanting some advice from any of you, I've never had any feedback on my writing, am I making any glaring mistakes? use of colon/semi-colon appropriate? etc (I could do with a good explanation of the proper use of colon/semi-colon) semi-colon when the second part of sentence adds description to the first/reason. Colon when meanings similar, second part more important?
Thanks. Sincerely.
Samuel.
|
|
Re: Excerpt for feedback please and apologies |
Author: leslee (---.cvx30-bradley.dialup.earthlink.net)
Date: 07-03-05 18:51
Samuel, please remember it's 4th of July weekend here. You may not get any responses until Tuesday. By then we should all be recouperating from hangovers and sitting at our computers again.
|
|
Re: Excerpt for feedback please and apologies |
Author: Denise . (---.dhcp.ftwo.tx.charter.com)
Date: 07-03-05 19:32
I love your writing style. I just kept wanting to know who he was calling. I think maybe you should let the reader know what this guy is up to, a little bit anyway, right off the bat to hold their interest.
|
|
Re: Excerpt for feedback please and apologies |
Author: Just Me (---.as1.bbh.dublin.eircom.net)
Date: 07-03-05 20:19
You're great at creating atmosphere and pace. One thing, though: I really, really wouldn't use phonetic spelling for dialogue (''****in tip-cal womn driva'). It almost always comes across as patronising, jarring and distracting. Use syntax, not phonetics, to create accent.
|
|
Re: Excerpt for feedback please and apologies |
Author: Samuel Potter (---.himawari.ed.jp)
Date: 07-04-05 19:12
Thanks Denise, just wanted a writer's opinion of my style - I know I should read more but I have never been a reader (excepting short poetry), so I am at a serious drawback perhaps. Anyway, thanks for your encouragement. BTW, he's calling a working girl, and it was known that's what he intends to do before the start of the chapter.
Good advice Just me, and again thanks for the encouragement. One of the few books I did read had the Scottish accent written phonetically, and though it was by a good writer, Irving Welsh, it was bloody hard to read, so I concur completely. Will change.
Leslee, you're right - I didn't realise at all - I'm English for one, and live in Japan, so it really didn't occur to me. Hope your hangover isn't too bad!
Thanks all. Samuel
|
|
Re: Excerpt for feedback please and apologies |
Author: Dan Gallo (12.175.216.---)
Date: 07-05-05 19:55
Samuel,
One suggestion I would make for your writing style (which I think is for the most part very well executed) would be the following: since you're using a fast-paced, low-punctuation style, I would cut out any adjective that isn't essential to the scene. The reason for this is that the tone causes the reader to follow the text quickly, and all the adjectives make discrete sentences hard to follow. Because the tone is fast and nervous and the scene is crowded, try to sparse out (hey--I made a new verb!) each sentence so the reader can slip into the pace with clear comprehension. Otherwise, one of two things will happen: the reader will skip over some of your very fine descriptions; or, the reader will find himself going back to the beginning of sentences he doesn't understand, which is frustrating.
One grammatical error which is pretty much up to you these days is your use of mouthfuls. The correct usage is mouthsful, but some readers might find this kind of prissy and distracting because it's rarely used correctly.
Overall very enjoyable.
Dan
|
|
Re: Excerpt for feedback please and apologies |
Author: Dan Gallo (12.175.216.---)
Date: 07-05-05 21:15
Oh, and about the colon/semicolon question: some have called the semicolon a bastard punctuation mark, and many consider it to be overused. I think this is a matter of opinion, but here are some guidelines for you.
Grammatically, when a semicolon is used, it should be followed by a transitional word which is in turn followed by a comma; however, (see?) it can also be used in lists, and stylistically the usage has been cleverly stretched. But for both the colon and semicolon, think hard before you pepper the ms with them: if you can say what you're saying by writing two sentences, your readers will be less distracted.
...think hard before you pepper the ms with them. If you can say what you're saying by writing two sentences...
IMO, they should be used to emphasize and set apart, and that effect gets lost when you use them all the time.
Dan
|
|
Re: Excerpt for feedback please and apologies |
Author: Samuel Potter (---.bbtec.net)
Date: 07-06-05 03:04
Much obliged for your insights, Dan. Really helpful.
'Mouthsful' is particularly interesting, as my Collins dictionary (2001) still has mouthful - I will be getting the latest edition. The pages are falling out anyway.
|
|
Re: Excerpt for feedback please and apologies |
Author: Just Me (159.134.159.---)
Date: 07-06-05 21:28
Yep, Irvine Welsh makes phonetic spelling work in Trainspotting, and so does Roddy Doyle in the Barrytown trilogy - but one thing is that both of them do it throughout the books, in narration as well as dialogue. So it's jarring to read at first, but after a while you get so used to it that you actually start thinking in the accent. That's a pretty major stylistic choice to make, though; and I do think it always sounds awful if it's not done right to the hilt.
Also, I know I'm in the minority, but I think semicolons rule.
|
|
Sorry. You need to Join WritersNet and activate your account to post a message.
It's quick, easy and free. All we need is a valid email address and the name you wish to use here .
|
|
