Author: Author Pendragin
Date:   11-19-09 19:01

Does this seem to rushed, or would character description have improved this passage? (I.e describing how the characters looked) Any suggestions for character description?

“Gone are the days of teeny boppers.” Ransom Pierce's expression became grim as he pushed the cup of coffee across the table away from him.“Long gone are the days when the likes of Timberlake and Spears captured media frenzy and held everyone's attention.”

Mike Cullen sat directly across from him. Mike stirred the black coffee in his cup until it was a rich cream color. He tapped the spoon against the saucer twice, and laid it on the saucer next to the cup.

“Whatever happened to those days, man?” Mike sipped his coffee and grunted pleasurably. Ransom couldn't hold it in any longer.
“That's good coffee. I told you man. Charlie's diner only makes the best cup of Joe in the world” Ransom's warm smile and slight Georgian accent gave away his southern roots. Mike nodded and quirked his eyebrows.
“Do I know my coffee or what?”

A huge grin reached across Ransom's face. He motioned for a high five and Mike returned it. A few seconds passed and Mike shot Ransom a quirky look.

“Boy bands Ransom? “

“I know. I know. At forty-three people tend to think of me as some kind of old fart, but I can appreciate talent. You know. Music is culture, it's passion.” The accent slipped through again. “It defines culture. It says something about us as a nation.”

“hmm. I would have taken you for an oldies type of guy.”

Ransom began to sing the first words of ain't to proud to beg and Mike chuckled.

“What does it say? That we can't make better music than a bunch of mixed up love songs about cars, guns, and women?”

“That's rap.”

“Hey,” Mike excused himself with his hands, “it's all the same to me.”

Ok Mike,” Ransom tapped his finger on the table, “What do you consider to be music?”

“I don't know.” Mike shook his head slightly, and sipped the coffee again.

“Come on man, there has got to be something you listen to.”

Ransom's cell phone rang. He held up a finger to Mike, taking the call.

“Hello”

Ransom's expression went dark.

“Is everything alright Ransom?”

Ransom never responded to Mike, his tone began to elevate.

“You want me to do what?”

Mike sat, arms crossed, with and index finger curled over his mouth. Ransom's eyes began to race as he hung up the phone.

“Ransom, what is it?”

Ransom scooted out of the booth.

“I've got to go man.”

“What's wrong.”

Ransom pulled a bundle of bills out of his pocket, and threw a twenty on the table.
“Twenty dollars? Our cup of coffee only cost two bucks.”
“They can keep the change.”
Ransom reached back inside the booth to pick up his attache.
“Who was that on the phone?”
“Look!” Ransom caught himself, “I've got to go man. I--” He paused for a second. “Something has come up”
“Do you need help? Is there something I can do?”
“No” Ransom shook his held. His bottom lip curled slightly.
“Okay” The words labored to come out of Mike's mouth. Ransom turned and scurried towards the exit.

Author: Janice W-D
Date:   11-19-09 22:01

Author,

Don't separate a character's dialogue from a character's actions.

Example - Change:
Ransom scooted out of the booth.

“I've got to go man.”

To:
Ransom scooted out of the booth. “I've got to go man.”

I assume the last five lines were a copy-and-paste malfunction. If not, they need to be double-spaced.

As to your character description question, such things should serve more than one purpose. When characters come onstage for the first time, readers need to know somewhat how they look but never show that they have blue eyes or broad shoulders or whatever for that reason alone. An example of double-purpose description:

My sister Melanie's blue eyes twinkled when she laughed. Although my eyes were brown and I stood three inches taller than her, we were like twins in every other way. We both loved jazz, voted Democratic and wanted our children to grow up with all the cultural advantages that New York had to offer.

When we already have at least a vague idea of how characters look (don't get too detailed, allow the reader to participate in the story by filling in some of in-between the lines stuff themselves), use description to SHOW their emotions or personality instead of TELLING us.

Example:

"John frowned and stomped out of the room," instead of, "John was mad."

Hope that helps a bit.

Best,
Janice

Author: Author Pendragin
Date:   11-19-09 22:26

I'll be more careful formatting next time Janice. I put spaces in between different paragraphs so that it's not clumped together, but I will make sure that I am mindful in the future. How was the story itself?

Author: Author Pendragin
Date:   11-19-09 22:33

Thanks for the feedback Janice.

Author: Marianne Mihkelson
Date:   11-20-09 03:37

In the third paragraph I have a hard time making out who's talking. If it's not all the same person then you need to start a new paragraph for each speaker. I don't think it would hurt to insert a "Mike said" or "Ransom said" every so often instead of just using action tags to seperate the dialogue. It would make it read a little easier.

Also the fact that Ransom is in his forties and says "man" in nearly every other sentence clashes with me a bit. It seems more like a the way a teenager or twenty something year old would speak.

If you plan on bringing the character's description out bit by bit later on, then great. It should be there somewhere, but doesn't necessarily need to be in this bit. I don't think the scene moves to fast at all. More details would probably just bog it down.

Author: Cindy Kay
Date:   11-20-09 08:22

A.P.

Couple of things I didn't see mentioned yet.

Several places you use general words for expressions -- darkened, became grim -- that sort of thing. Better if you can show us what those are.

Several places you have needless starting and beginning. He started to ... He began to.... Quite often you don't need the extra words. Just, "He sang..."

Author: martin shaw
Date:   11-20-09 13:29

I lot of the name 'Ransom' there, a bit to many, me thinks. You could work the story in and then maybe cut it down by a third. I enjoyed this, it drew me in; the dialogue is good!!!

Thanks