Author: Kenneth Teicher
Date:   11-20-09 12:23

Dear Ms.

THE CARTHAGE CONNECTION is an 84,000-word thriller.

Nora Mathews gambles what remains of her credibility on one last ambitious dig. Her excavation of a Carthaginian shipwreck experiences a series of hostile encounters with the Cult of Tanit, providing all the proof Nora needs that she is onto something extraordinary.

The cult believes the boat holds scrolls taken from the Royal Library at Alexandria before burning in 48 BC. If true and Nora is successful, she will receive accreditation for solving one of the world’s greatest mysteries, guaranteeing her place in history. The Cult traces its roots to the founding of Carthage and considers the scrolls rightfully theirs. They believe the intrinsic value of the treasure will help restore their wealth and power and will go to any lengths to gain control of the scrolls. When the police link a colleague’s murder to the cult, Nora questions whether the treasure is worth risking her life and the lives of her team.

Nora, with her mercenary boyfriend, a member of the Israeli Mossad, and an anxious local police inspector, clashes with the cult as she and her team continues the dig. An unsuccessful cult attack on Nora’s boyfriend adds another layer of urgency to the treasure’s excavation. An attempt to blackmail a team member leads to the capture of the cult leader. Taking advantage of the cult’s disarray, Nora scrambles to complete the dig.

My enthusiasm for archaeology has led me to visit excavations in at Ephesus and Carthage, providing valuable background information for THE CARTHAGE CONNECTION.

In accordance with your submission requirements, I have enclosed my synopsis and the first chapter.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Author: Cindy Kay
Date:   11-20-09 14:03

Kenneth,

For me, it feels like it needs the glue of Nora as the MC to come together as a great Q. You start with a something about her, that she need credibility in her profession, but then nothing substantative about her.

Perhaps try working all the info in in a Nora-centric way. We need some voice, too, I think. It's kind of flat.

Hope that helps.

Author: Joe Zeff
Date:   11-20-09 16:10

I don't think accreditation means what you think it does. The word you want is "credit."

Author: Sam English
Date:   11-20-09 16:51

An "excavation" can't "expreience" something...the members of the crew or team can.

"The cult believes the boat holds scrolls taken from the Royal Library at Alexandria before burning in 48 BC." Did the boat burn or did the library?

"...if Nora is successful..." What does she need to succeed at in order to solve the world's greatest mystery? What mystery?

"Nora, with her mercenary boyfriend, a member of the Israeli Mossad, and an anxious local police inspector, clashes with the cult as she and her team continues the dig." Okay...is the boyfriend an Isreali AND police inspector or are these two different people?

"Taking advantage of the cult’s disarray," Okay...when (and how?) did the cult go into "disarray"? It seemed pretty active and capable up to this point. A different word choice would serve you here.

Clarity is key in a query. This is very muddy.

Author: Kenneth Teicher
Date:   11-20-09 17:16

Okay, I think I fixed the problems. How does my query read now?

Dear Ms.

THE CARTHAGE CONNECTION is an 84,000-word thriller.

Nora Mathews gambles what remains of her credibility on one last ambitious dig. Her team, excavation of a Carthaginian shipwreck, experiences a series of hostile encounters with the Cult of Tanit, providing all the proof Nora needs that she is onto something extraordinary.

The cult believes the boat holds scrolls taken from the Royal Library at Alexandria as it was set ablaze in 48 BC. If true and Nora is successful, she will receive credit for solving one of the world’s greatest mysteries, guaranteeing her place in history. The Cult traces its roots to the founding of Carthage and considers the scrolls rightfully theirs. They believe the intrinsic value of the treasure will restore their wealth and power and will go to any lengths to gain control of the scrolls.

When the police link a colleague’s murder to the cult, Nora questions whether the treasure is worth risking her life and the lives of her team. Torn between the safety of her group and her professional necessity for a successful dig, Nora decides to rely on the offer of police protection and continues the excavation. An attempt to blackmail a team member leads to the capture of the cult leader. Taking advantage of the cult’s disarray, Nora scrambles to complete the dig.

My enthusiasm for archaeology has led me to visit excavations in at Ephesus and Carthage, providing valuable background information for THE CARTHAGE CONNECTION.

In accordance with your submission requirements, I have enclosed my synopsis and the first chapter.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Author: Kenneth Teicher
Date:   11-20-09 17:19

Sorry, that first paragraph should have read -

Nora Mathews gambles what remains of her credibility on one last ambitious dig. While excavating a Carthaginian shipwreck she and her team experiences a series of hostile encounters with the Cult of Tanit, providing all the proof Nora needs that she is onto something extraordinary.

Author: Sam English
Date:   11-20-09 18:15

"The cult believes the boat holds scrolls taken from the Royal Library at Alexandria as it was set ablaze in 48 BC."

Were the scrolls taken at the actual time the blaze was set? Is that important? And again...was the boat set ablaze or the library? It is unclear from the way you have it worded here. I'm pretty sure you mean the library but I can't tell from your wording.

"hostile encounters" - vague
"professional necessity" - awkward
"cult's disarray" - awkward

These may feel like nits but they're the nits that will get you the ax because the writing lacks clarity.

Author: Cindy Kay
Date:   11-20-09 19:03

Kenneth,

I think we need something to care about here. I suggested Nora, but perhaps your manuscript is more focused on the "world's greatest mystery" and Nora is just the instrument. You'd better tell us what it is then. We need something to focus on and get excited about.

If so, I'd start with something along the lines of: The ???? Scrolls, proving the ????, have lain undisturbed in the hold of an ancient Carthage ship for more than two thousand years.

Author: Janice W-D
Date:   11-21-09 20:12

Kenneth,

Although you need to apply a lot of tweaking, per the above posters suggestions, these versions read much clearer than your attempts a few months ago.

I think you can clarify the boat or library burning bit, as well as the timing, with:

... the boat holds scrolls taken from the Royal Library at Alexandria when OR before the latter burnt to the ground in 48 BC.

I have a question. Did the boat run aground? I think of ship wrecks as ships/boats that sank to the ocean floor. Is the area where the boat was found once underwater but now it's dry land? Is that how the boat was discovered? If the boat's still underwater, you need to exchange "excavation" for a different word. No, I don't think you need a long explanation. But since this part comes early on in your query, you need to add a couple of words to establish your authority/believability.

Best,
Janice

Author: Kenneth Teicher
Date:   11-21-09 23:05

Thanks, for the suggestion. I've already made a change to that sentence and will post a better version as soon as I've dealt with some of the other issues.

With regard to your question about where the boat is - the excavation is taking place in the silt filled harbor of Ephesus, where it sank. The boat suffered damage during its trip from Alexandria when it was confronted by a Roman fleet.

I've posted this query in a few other places and have gotten a lot of responses that essentially ask lots of questions. If I attempt to answer all of them I'll end up with a two page query. I simply can't decide how much back story the query needs when others are telling me to pay more attention to Nora, the main character. Nora is in a publish or perish (professionally) situation and that's what's driving her. The scrolls are not as central to my plot. It is the conflict between Nora and the cult. Of course, my synopsis does answer a lot more of these questions.

Author: Cindy Kay
Date:   11-21-09 23:10

Ah Kenneth, you may have just written the idea for your hook and focus of the Q -- Nora vs. the cult.

Author: Joe Zeff
Date:   11-22-09 00:58

Nora's career is at the publish or perish stage, but if she publishes her latest findings, she may very well perish.