Author: PennMom Asks
Date:   11-20-09 10:56

It's 500 words and I've tried to trim the fat, but I've read it so many times I can't see it objectively anymore. Is it still too much? Your help is appreciated. Thank you.

Dear Agent,

In my 91,000-word women’s fiction, LION’S DEN, Dan Wynfield had it all, lost it, can’t get it back and now wants to die. He tries to convince his private nurse to help him commit suicide. They become friends, fall in love and just when he decides that he doesn’t want to die, he is killed and it’s made to look like a suicide.

Summary:
Newlywed, Dan Wynfield does not remember driving his sports car over 100 mph through the twisted mountain highway. He does remember the day he woke up in a hospital a paraplegic and with an uncontrollable seizure disorder.


Spoiled by doting parents, Dan refuses therapy, fires five live-in nurses and sulks in front of the TV all day. Iron-willed, former hospice nurse, Robin Murphy, does not pretend to like Dan and he respects her brutal honesty. In time, they develop a unique friendship and Dan’s mood improves. It stuns Robin when he asks for help with his ‘rational’ suicide plan. His disclosure makes Robin realize that she is in love with her patient and will do almost anything to make him happy.


Dan also doesn’t remember that an hour before his accident, his wife, Katie, asked him for a divorce. Katie suspects it may not have been the unfortunate ‘accident’ everyone presumes it was and doesn’t tell anyone what transpired beforehand. She feels obligated to stay with him, hoping he will recover before she leaves him. With no recovery in sight, she secretly begins setting up a new life.


Katie knows that one of the victims in a well-publicized case of child abuse is the child she secretively gave up for adoption years before. In order to get her son back, she must give up her life of a pampered socialite because if Dan finds out she had a child with his biggest rival, she will lose everything. After a year of a leading a double life, she only needs a couple more weeks to secure her future before everyone learns the truth. Around that time, her playboy brother-in-law begins to act suspiciously.


Dan’s non-conformist brother, Terry, is dyslexic, but intelligent. He is determined to find out what Katie is hiding. Trying to expose Katie’s duplicity, Terry learns more about himself than his sister-in-law. Despite his reputation as a loveable slacker, he must take over Dan’s position in the family’s successful company. He is positive that he’s going to fail, but because of his disability, he’s developed some exceptional skills. Terry can ‘read’ people with expertise and has the capacity to charm, negotiate or talk his way out of just about anything. These abilities prove invaluable in the corporate world. In the end, he helps Katie without betraying his brother.

I am a 1990 graduate of California State University and currently work a domestic violence/rape crisis counselor. Due to my background in social services, I handle the subject of suicide and child abuse with sensitivity and honesty. I would be happy to send you the first 10 pages of LION's DEN for your review.

Author: James Copeland
Date:   11-20-09 14:09

Dear Penmom:

I have read your query three times. I am more confused now than when I started. I do know what you are talking about when you say you have read it so many times you can't see it. One of my books I have re-written a total of fourteen times. You won't believe it, but it is much better now than when I first wrote it.

Continuity is a process! I have found that I have to do the changes so many ways to make the story flow. This query business is horrible. They want the story, yet are unwilling to read anything that doesn't set them on fire! Some of my books are like actual life, things don't happen like in the movies! Life takes longer to get done.

I don't have a clue whether or not this is any help. But I do feel for you!

Sincerely

JMC

Author: Cindy Kay
Date:   11-20-09 14:10

PennMom,

Oh my, I think you have too much going on here.

I take it your have four main characters -- Dan, Robin, Kate, Terry.

I'd start with ditching that opening graph. Summaries, in my opinion, in Qs don't work well and they use up valuable space just to say something twice. Perhaps start with a graph that sweeps all these characters together so we get a sense of the scope and the relationships.

Then perhaps a few sentences about the desires of each character. Then a kicker graph about how all those desires clash at the end.

Hope that helps.

Author: Diane Snyder-Haug
Date:   11-20-09 16:44

PennMom,

I agree with Cindy Kay, too much is going here. I got a bit confused especially when you jumped into Katie and the child abuse case. Who is the main character? Dan? Robin? Katie, I assume, is the antagonist--but I could be wrong. (See, told you I was confused!) I think you need to stick with the main character's "story line" and skip the subplots, at least for a query. What you've got here is more of a one page synopsis than a query letter.... Just my thoughts, hope it helps.
Also, why are you only offering to send only the first 10 pages? You should be happy to send the complete Ms. Best of luck.

Author: Janice W-D
Date:   11-21-09 19:48

PennMom,

I remember your earlier attempts. Although you need to streamline this one, the writing itself reads much better.

Diane's right on target. Put this aside to use as the foundation for your synopsis. You'll need to include the story's ending in the synopsis. A query letter's purpose is to pique an agent's interest, entice them into requesting a partial or full of your mss.

Now, follow Cindy's suggestions. Decide who's the main character. Hint: It's usually the character who's in the first chapter and the last few paragraphs of the final one. Now decide who's the main antagonist.

Write a couple of sentences about the MC and their problem. I hope that will de-clutter your mind enough for you decide how much or how little to include about the other characters in your query letter.

Hang in there.

Best,
Janice