Author: Stephanie Attwater
Date:   11-18-09 17:36

Hopefully this is a little better. Any advice would be much appreciated!

********************************
Dear :


Tru Carmen is lost.

And that’s not her only problem.

The last thing she remembers is taking the shortcut to work, and then the tape bubbles and breaks in her mind. Now she’s lost in a world she can barely comprehend. Found in the woods by Darrain and his friends, with no memory of how she got there, she’s taken on a strange journey through Atadia – a beleaguered country on the brink of full-blown war. Without the luxury of language, indoor plumbing, or even basic knowledge of survival skills, Tru must try to piece together what happened to her before the Silhoa can destroy her only chance home.

On the Edge of Nowhere is a story about enduring when everything you love is far away and you’re alone and frightened and can’t imagine that anything will ever be right again. It is a young adult fantasy novel and is complete at 115,000 words.

I would be happy to send you a partial or complete manuscript.

Thank you so much for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Author: Cindy Kay
Date:   11-18-09 18:24

Stephanie,

We have to know who Tru is, what she fears and longs for, not just what happens to her. How does her character have to change to meet this new challenge?

You're writing to yourself here. Write to an agent who's never heard of the Silhoa.

Hope that helps.

Author: Stephanie Attwater
Date:   11-18-09 18:30

Good point....

Hmm.....

Okay, gimme a minute.

Author: Stephanie Attwater
Date:   11-18-09 18:56

Okay, how about this:

Tru Carmen is lost.

The last thing she remembers is taking the shortcut to work, and then the tape bubbles and breaks in her mind. Now she’s lost in a world she can barely comprehend. Found in the woods by Darrain and his friends, with no memory of how she got there, she’s taken on a strange journey through Atadia – a beleaguered country on the brink of full-blown war.

Without the luxury of language, indoor plumbing, or even basic survival skills, this city girl has to depend on Darrain and his friends for her survival. Torn between her need to get back home and her growing desire to stay in the wilderness with her quiet protector, Tru must decide what’s more important – family or love. But wild boars and absent cell phone signal aside, she’s beginning to wonder if getting home is even possible.

When they discover she’s being hunted by an ancient evil, Darrain’s protection might not be enough to save her. Now Tru must try to piece together what happened to her before the Silhoa can destroy her only chance at rescue.

On the Edge of Nowhere is a story about enduring when everything you love is far away and you’re alone and frightened and can’t imagine that anything will ever be right again. It is a young adult fantasy novel and is complete at 115,000 words.

Author: Joe Zeff
Date:   11-19-09 15:46

Your hook is good, but as written it might be too short, too abrupt for the barbs to sink in. Maybe something like this would be a tad more effective:

Tru Carmen is lost, in more ways than one.

Also, I just noticed: take out the mention in your last sentence that it's complete because that's assumed, and mentioning it looks unprofessional.

Author: Stephanie Attwater
Date:   11-19-09 19:03

Thanks Joe! That's a really good point. And I like the 'in more ways than one' line.

You guys are awesome. I'm so glad I found this forum!!

Author: C.W. Hilburn
Date:   11-20-09 17:54

Still don't know what Shilhoa is. Try describing it a bit, like "a mystical group of assassins, the Shilhoa, can destroy her only chance at rescue"

See? I have no idea what Shilhoa is - I didn't read the first attempt :)

Otherwise it actually looks like a decent query.