Author: Billy Wong
Date:   11-09-09 21:58

Thanks to those who commented on the last one. I sure hope this is at least starting to look better...


Dear Agent,

RAIDERS OF THE DRY COAST is an 81,000 word fantasy.

Julius knows from experience that nobody wants to be friends with the guardian of an insane wizard. Having served Zog all his life, he wonders if there can be more for him than the lone companion who views him as little more than a helpful pet. He finally quits after his master drags him off to hellish and slimy worlds in search of power over life and death. Julius comes home alone, only to discover Zog's magic has dried up the sea on which the surrounding countries depend. Outlawed by the world, he cuts a deal to help restore stability to the realm in exchange for amnesty. He hires brawling adventurers Claudia and Leon to aid him, and the three endure blistering dust storms and desert heat while battling monsters and displaced pirates. After a grievously wounded Claudia pushes herself beyond any reasonable limit to save his life, Julius learns to open his heart to the carefree young wanderers who become his first real friends. But when Zog returns with a deranged plan that would require sacrificing thousands of lives, Julius' new friendships and conscience will be tested against his attachment to his old master.

I have sold fantasy short fiction to many publications, including Afterburn SF, Sorcerous Signals, and most recently Hypersonic Tales. My writing has won two monetary awards from the English department at Brooklyn College.

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Author: Cathy C
Date:   11-10-09 09:25

he wonders if there can be more for him than the lone companion who views him as little more than a helpful pet

This wording is a little confusing. You might change it to:

he wonders if there can be more for him than being the lone companion to someone who views him as little more than a helpful pet.

That brings the focus back to Julius rather than Zog.

Other than that, I like it. It's clear and concise and sounds like an interesting read. I'd run with it just like this if I were in your shoes. :)

Author: Cindy Kay
Date:   11-10-09 15:51

Billy,

80,000-word fantasy.

I'd break into two graphs and come up with something other than "grievously wounded." Course, I'd go further in bring the reader into Julius' head and heart. But doesn't look like that's what you want.

Good luck with it. Tell us how it goes.

Author: Billy Wong
Date:   11-11-09 08:34

I thought I already went a little deeper into his head, but I guess I'll try to think of something to add before the line about Zog's return... What's wrong with "grievously wounded", too cliche? Would something like "severely injured" work better?

Author: Cindy Kay
Date:   11-11-09 08:41

Perhaps be more specific -- shot in the gut, stabbed in the thigh.