Author: Christopher Morris
Date:   11-08-09 23:26

First, let me thank all of you who gave advice the last time. I listened, and considered every suggestion, even if I did not apply your advice. Thank you.

Dear Agent

Of Poets and Angels, my 97,000-word novel, is a Steampunk Fantasy-Thriller about finding friendship, loyalty and love in a dark, sometimes deadly world.
Ethan is a poet, in love with his home in the bohemian neighborhood called the Coile. His life is filled with late mornings and later nights, with coffee houses, parties and poetry. Fate has handed him a remarkable ability, and a responsibility he never asked for. Ethan’s fondness for scarves and high collars hides a secret; his throat has been branded with a Rune of Silence, which should render him mute. But an ancient and dangerous magic has changed the rune to Voice, and Ethan soon finds that his poetry can do more than captivate audiences. It can command thoughts, or even alter reality itself.
Then one night, a dead Inquisition Operative is found dead near the home he loves. An ancient artifact that brought prosperity has been stolen.
To save his home and his friends, its up to Ethan to get it back. And with the help of a red-skinned Hellkin and a mysterious snake-woman, Ethan must figure out exactly who is behind the theft, before he finds Ethan and silences the poet forever.
Thank you for considering my submission. I look forward to sharing the manuscript with you soon. I have included a SASE for your response.

Sincerely,
Me

Author: l m
Date:   11-09-09 10:28

A huge chuck of your query--the entire first half--is all "is-ness," states of being. There's no action. This reader waited and plowed forward (which an agent won't do), hoping for an inciting incident, conflict, discovery, action--but I didn't find anything until:

"Then one night, a dead Inquisition Operative is found dead near the home he loves."

Well, at least this dead guy was killed really dead. By the way, who loves the home, the dead dead guy or your main character?

Anyway, why bury your inciting incident in the second half of your query in a confusing and poorly written sentence?

Put it closer to the beginning, if not in the first sentence. "When an Inquisition Operative is found murdered near.....," what impact does that have on your main character? It forces a change for him, right? From what to what?

Author: l m
Date:   11-09-09 10:33

"A huge chuck"
whoops--chunk.

Author: Cindy Kay
Date:   11-09-09 12:54

Christopher,

I'd consider crafting the Q with a focus on Ethan, what he longs for, what he's afraid of, what he has to confront in himself to get where he wants to be. This Q feels like the focus is about the world of the book, rather than the MC. You drop in so many undefined concepts, and it feels like that's what you're hanging your Q on rather than the journey of your Baggins-eque poet.

Try using this rich world (and I do like the feel of it) as a backdrop rather than main event.

Hope this helps.

Author: Wonky
Date:   11-10-09 00:48

Why do you start with this--"finding friendship, loyalty and love in a dark, sometimes deadly world."? It's way too vague.