Author: Christopher Morris
Date:   11-06-09 11:29

Well, its been a long road to finish my novel, and an even longer road ahead to get published.
Here is my query, I would appreciate any and all help you could give me.
Thank you in advance.

Dear (Agent)

Of Poets and Angels, my 97,000-word novel, is a SteamPunk Thriller about finding friendship, loyalty and love in a dark, sometimes deadly world.
The elemental-born poet Ethan loves his life. Late mornings, and even later nights. Coffee houses, parties and poetry. When a celebrity Angel buys his newly published book of prose, his career appears to be made. That is, until a dead Inquisition Operative in found near his home, and all Hell breaks loose. Literally. Something has changed, something was stolen. And if Ethan wants to save his home, its up to him and his rag-tag group of friends to get it back. To do so, he must face tortuous crime lords, mystical snake people, dark sorcerers, police brutality, berserk elf mercenaries, mad scientist, and even the dreaded Inquisition itself.
SteamPunk is a rising genre, and my book will appeal to fans of China Mievlle and William Gibson alike, as well as being approachable to readers new to the genre. It combines elements of dystopian fantasy, noir, and horror themes, building suspense until a final confrontation where Ethan must conquer his own fears, to save the ones he loves. In the end, its a story about using ones owns weakness to overcome insurmountable obstacles
Thank you for considering my submission. I look forward to sharing the manuscript with you soon. I have included a SASE for your response.

Sincerely,

ME

Author: Finnley Wren
Date:   11-06-09 14:00

(The below reads harsher than I mean it. But I think you first need to clean up some of the fundamental flaws before we go any further.)

Start with the hook ("Ethan loves his life . . .") as opposed to the boilerplate first sentence. Suck the agent into the story and put the boilerplate lower.

elemental-born

I don't know what that means.

Late mornings, and even later nights. Coffee houses, parties and poetry

Laundry list. Perhaps combine the two sentences to read Late mornings and later nights, filled with coffee houses, parties, and poetry.

a celebrity Angel

I don't know what that means.

a dead Inquisition Operative in found near his home

"in found?"

Something has changed, something was stolen

Think this is too cute. You may need to mention exactly what this is to whet the agent's appetite.

its up to him and his rag-tag group of friends

If you're not paying attention to apostrophes when placing your letter online for critique, one can only wonder how misused they are in the book.

tortuous crime lords

"Tortuous" is not the word you're looking for. "Torturous" perhaps? (And even that is kludgy.)

dark sorcerers, police brutality, berserk elf mercenaries, mad scientist,

Another laundry list. And if you're not paying attention to plurals when placing your letter online for critique, one can only wonder how misused they are in the book.

SteamPunk is a rising genre

Don't condescend to the agent. If you've researched agents appropriately, you'll be sending if off to one who has sold some. And you've mentioned already that it's Steampunk.

PS: Should the "P" in Punk be capitalized? Just askin.

Ethan must conquer his own fears, to save the ones he loves

The comma deflates the rising tension. Lose it.

building suspense until a final confrontation

How about simply "building toward a final confrontation"? Every word in a query is precious.

In the end, its a story about

I remain quite concerned about the apostrophe problem.

In a nutshell, it ain't half bad. But I think your description of the story is too amorphous, too fuzzy. Perhaps adding some detail about what it was that was stolen, what it is that the protagonist is after and what motivates him, will tighten it up a great deal.

Just my two cents. Best of luck!

Author: Finnley Wren
Date:   11-06-09 14:33

PS: It occurs to me that many Steampunk publishers are small presses that openly accept solicitations directly from authors. Don't rule them out.

Author: Cindy Kay
Date:   11-06-09 15:04

Christopher,

First thank you for altering to me to this genre. My husband has been into building steampunk steroes and computer gagets, yet I had no idea there was a developing subgenre.

I like the whole notion of your Q here, but like Finn said, it's too diaphenous. We don't know what the most important elements are -- elemental born, celebrity Angel, Inquisitors. You know your world, but you've got to write the Q to someone who does not.

Look more closely at your focus throughout. You build Ethan's life up as quaint and lovely, but then say he's got to fight to save his home. We didn't even know about his home. We don't know what the threat even is. We don't know what his weakness is and yet you tell us this is what he'll have to use to win.

I'm perhaps not as opposed to lists as Finn, but you're using lists that don't give us anything. Like the poetry, parties... list because I know what those things are. But the next list is just a waste of space because we have no grounding for them.

Consider keeping your final line about Ethan his weakness with the rest of the plot summary. This going off to talk about other steampunk authors and your building suspense doesn't work here. Don't pull the agent/reader out of the plot by using writer words.

Than just a bunch of niggly stuff. He's a poet, but he's just sold and published a book of prose, no either a novel or nonfiction, right? Why would his career be made because someone buys the book? The word "rag-tag" feels too light and juvenile to me for the rest of what you have. You continue that kind of quirky feel with a bunch of other words -- mystical, berserk, mad scientist, dreaded. Great words, but they don't go with the feel you set up at the opening. Pick your tone here and stick with it. A Q is too short mix your tone.

Then you even evoke another tone with the "insurrmountable odds," "approachable to readers," "alike." This is a cliche-riddled tone. (Also some of that first sentence has it too.)

Don't think I'd bother with the SASE, kind of obvious when the enelope pops out of the other envelope. I'd go for a closing that's more in keeping with the style of the Q.

Do you have anything you can include in a bio? Do try to research each agent you approach so that you can customize the Q to that agent, mentioning the authors he/she reps in the genre.

Know this is rambly. Hope it helps.

Author: Janice W-D
Date:   11-06-09 17:55

Christopher,

I don't know jack about SteamPunk so I'm not going to give a line-by-line crit. I'll just weigh in a term that's puzzling other posters. Angel is a term I've heard applied to the world of stage plays. It means a rich backer who pays for the cost of producing the play, getting it in front of an audience and paying all the actors. If the play's a hit, the angel gets their money back and then some. If not, they got to feel like a big shot because angels, even though they may be the CEO of a major insurance company, are usually nobodies in the literary world. The playwright, having gotten the benefit of feedback from an audience in the form of applause, laughter or silence, can sometimes fine-tune everything and make the play a hit on the third or fourth night.

If that's what you mean by celebrity angel, you need to clarify both words. Celebrity is too vague a term and not generally used to describe a monetary backer or a publisher. Paintings are bought but not "books of prose" so you need to show us how things are done differently in your novel's world.

Like everyone else, I'm clueless on what "elemental-born poet" means.

Best,
Janice

Author: Finnley Wren
Date:   11-06-09 20:00

If that's what you mean by celebrity angel, you need to clarify both words.

Though I don't want to put words in his mouth (and you really should chime in, Christopher) I suspect by "celebrity Angel" he means just that -- a famous angel. Took some thinking about it, however in that the work has elves and such, it wouldn't surprise me that there's an angel as well (Steampunk is nothing of not genre-bending!)

It just might be that an agent or a small press who specialize or otherwise are conversant in Steampunk will know right off the bat that by "celebrity Angel" . . . he means just that.

Author: Christopher Morris
Date:   11-06-09 20:59

Thank you for pointing out a possibly confusing point.
To clarify; in my world, Angels(of the celestial type) do in fact, walk amongst men. Some of them, are famous patrons of the art. Being seen buying a copy of Ethan's book, will guarantee even more sales, and that means more money for the author.
I will eliminate the 'list', and focus more on showing the primary conflict, which turns out in the end to be the very same Angel mentioned above. That brings up another question; in a query, should I avoid revealing any plot twists?
There are several non-human races in my fantasy world, amongst them are Hyuri. A race of elemental beings, made from the four basic elements of earth, air, fire and water. I thought Hyuri would be too vague, so I tried to explain Ethan's non-human origins as simply as I could. I understand that it is more difficult to write, and publish, a story with a non-human protagonist. I have made my choice, and will live with it. Should I simply leave out his non-human origins in the Q?

Author: Cindy Kay
Date:   11-06-09 22:15

Christopher,

I think you need to start with your genre. I'm up on steampunk as an athestic, not as a genre of literature. From my perspecitve, steampunk, like a gothic literature as a response to the Englightenment, is a response to the death of the notion that one man could understand and master the cutting edges of science. Today that is impossible because the level of detail is too cumbersome. So steampunk harkens back to what we want -- to be able to understand as a layman the edges of knowledge. I don't see how how other wordly entities are part of this. Has steampunk already devoled into paranormal and aliens? Depressing. I got nothing for you.

Author: Christopher Morris
Date:   11-06-09 22:34

There is Steampunk, and then there is Steampunk. There are purists who prefer historically accurate victorian Steampunk. And there are some who include fantasy and horror. There is enough magic in contemporary Steampunk literature, that I feel safe using the term to describe my setting without causing confusion.
I plan on only submitting to agents who handle Fantasy and Horror/Thriller. They should be able to understand how elves or other supernatural beings fit into such a setting. A non-fiction agent of course, will be confused by several concepts I deal with. And they will not be getting a copy of my manuscript.
I'm afraid I do understand how the paranormal could be depressing, or how including Angels could 'devolve' a genre. 'Steampunk is nothing but genre-bending'.
Regardless of your own preferences, I appreciate your help with my own query.
My second draft will be posted within the next few days.

Author: Christopher Morris
Date:   11-06-09 23:00

For those who care;

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steampunk

I'm not entirely sure how to imbed this link, so you may have to cut and paste.

Author: Janice W-D
Date:   11-06-09 23:05

Surround the link with < >, without the spaces.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steampunk

Best,
Janice

Author: Janice W-D
Date:   11-07-09 00:24

Queen Victoria in a mini-skirt? We are not amused.

Best,
Janice

Author: Finnley Wren
Date:   11-07-09 07:32

in my world, Angels . . . walk amongst men. Some of them, are famous patrons of the art.

This is good. Perhaps a sentence or two about the world you've built ("In a world where Angel's walk amongst men, Elves control the banking system, and science is frowned upon, Ethan thinks he has things good . . .")

Again, every word is precious in a query. But in something so "out there," I think a preliminary word or two about the world you've built will help make everything else clear.

in a query, should I avoid revealing any plot twists?

No need to tell the ending of the story (the goal is to whet the agent's appetite for more) but if you've got a clever plot twist you can describe in a few words, go for it.

Should I simply leave out his non-human origins in the Q?

If his motivations are human, if we can relate to his fears and his joys, if when he dies he is truly dead . . . it may not be necessary.

Author: Smiling Curmudgeon
Date:   11-07-09 20:55

Christopher,

I don't wish to hijack your thread. Sorry.

Quick aside to Janice.

Your wrote, "Queen Victoria in a mini-skirt? We are not amused."

Best subtle one-liner I've seen on WN in a while!

Cur

Author: Janice W-D
Date:   11-07-09 21:30

Thanks, Cur!