Author: dream catcher
Date:   11-05-09 19:50

Okay, this is my third attempt. I want to thank everyone who had responded to my other two posts. Hopefully, I'm getting closer. Let me know if this one is any better, or if I'm getting worse. All feedack is appreciated. Thank you.

Dear Agent,

A simple touch… a warm embrace, that’s all Elsie Montoyage desires from her newfound love, but his appearance, and the secret he holds, may deem that impossible.

The first time seventeen-year-old Elsie encounters him, she is moments away from ending her life. A brief glimpse in the mirror sends her bottle of pills crashing to the floor, then he’s gone. The next day he materializes next to her, and she finds out that Aiden Prescott has no intentions to leave.

She isn’t sure why she is the only one who can see him, and she has no idea that his comatose body lay in the hospital. A result of the same accident that claimed the life of her foster sister, only months ago. Losing her mother the day she was born, and her father’s brutal attack in her past, contributes to her untrusting present. But Aiden’s willingness to fulfill her dead sisters promise, combined with his compassion, breaks down Elsie’s emotional barrier. And soon she realizes that she is falling deeply and irresistibly in love with him, and together they both start to crave the one thing they can’t have, a simple embrace. But if she discovers his car was the final impact that killed her sister, he could lose the one thing that keeps him alive, Elsie.

One fatal night will bind these two together, but if neither of them can accept that the accident wasn’t their fault, it has the potential to rip them apart.

THEN THERE WAS YOU is a 82,000-word YA Paranormal romance, which takes readers away from the mythical vampires and werewolves, and leans them towards the possibilities and magic with what our spiritual bodies are capable of.

I am certified in Reiki Level One, and I have applied my training and research on energy fields, vibrations, and all other aspects of the spiritual planes into this manuscript.

If you are interested in the full manuscript, it is available at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Author: Smiling Curmudgeon
Date:   11-05-09 21:36

Dream,

I have a few comments. I'm not a reader of YA, so most of my comments are nits.

A simple touch… a warm embrace, that’s all Elsie Montoyage desires from her newfound love, but his appearance, and the secret he holds, may deem THIS IS A NIT, BUT DEEM DOESN'T SEEM TO THIS READER LIKE QUITE THE RIGHT WORD that impossible.

The first time seventeen-year-old Elsie encounters him, she is moments away from ending her life. A brief glimpse in the mirror THIS IS SLIGHTLY AMBIGUOUS. AT FIRST GLANCE I THOUGHT ELSIE SAW HERSELF IN THE MIRROR, NOT "HIM." sends her bottle of pills crashing to the floor, then he’s gone. The next day he materializes next to her, and she finds out that Aiden Prescott has no intentions INTENTION, NOT INTENTIONS to leave.

She isn’t sure why she is the only one who can see him, and she has no idea that his comatose body lay CONSIDER IS INSTEAD OF LAY in the hospital. A result of the same accident that claimed the life of her foster sister, I'M NOT SURE YOU NEED THE COMMA only months ago. Losing her mother the day she was born, and her father’s brutal attack in her past, CONSIDER HER FATHER'S PAST BRUTAL ATTACK/ATTACKS contributes to her untrusting present. But Aiden’s willingness to fulfill her dead sisters promise, WHAT WAS THE DEAD SISTER'S PROMISE? I'M AFRAID YOUR DREAM AGENT MAY STOP READING HERE. combined with his compassion, breaks down Elsie’s emotional barrier. And soon she realizes that CONSIDER DELETING THAT she is falling deeply and irresistibly in love I THINK YOU'RE FINE WITH DEEPLY OR IRRESISTIBLY. USING BOTH SEEMS TO THIS READER TO BE OVERKILL. OR, OVERLOVE, AS IT WERE. :) with him, and together they both start to crave the one thing they can’t have, a simple embrace. But if she discovers his car was the final impact that killed her sister, he could lose the one thing that keeps him alive, Elsie.

One fatal night will bind these two together, but if neither of them can accept that the accident wasn’t their fault, IT'S ONLY NOW THAT I GET A HINT WHY ELSIE INTENDED SUICIDE. I THINK THAT NEEDS TO BE MADE CLEAR MUCH SOONER. it has the potential to rip them apart.

THEN THERE WAS YOU is a 82,000-word YA Paranormal romance, which takes readers away from the mythical vampires and werewolves, and leans DO YOU MEAN LEADS INSTEAD OF LEANS them towards the possibilities and magic with what DO YOU MEAN THAT INSTEAD OF WITH WHAT? our spiritual bodies are capable of. IF I WERE YOUR DREAM AGENT AND I MADE IT THIS FAR, I'D QUIT NOW. YOU DECLARE VAMPIRES AND WEREWOLVES ARE MYTHICAL. NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT, BUT THE IMPLICATION IS THAT ENERGY FIELDS, VIBRATIONS AND OTHER ASPECTS OF SPIRITUAL PLANES ARE BROADLY ACCEPTED FACT. ALL I'M GETTING AT HERE IS THAT I THINK YOU MIGHT BE BETTER OFF IF YOU PUT A PERIOD AFTER ROMANCE AND DELETE THE REST.

I am certified in Reiki Level One, and I CONSIDER DELETING I. have applied my training and research on energy fields, vibrations, and all other aspects of the spiritual planes into this manuscript. GIVE THOUGHT TO DELETING THIS PARAGRAPH. I KNOW YOU'RE TRYING TO ESTABLISH "CREDENTIALS." BUT THIS MERELY GIVES YOUR DREAM AGENT AN EASY OPPORTUNITY TO SEND A FORM REJECTION. I DON'T SEE HOW THIS IMPROVES YOUR QUERY, AND IT MAY WELL BE THE KISS OF DEATH. AGENTS WHO SELL NOVELS ARE INTERESTED IN THE QUALITY OF WRITING.

If you are interested in the full manuscript, it is available at your request. DELETE THE PREVIOUS SENTENCE. THE AGENT KNOWS YOU'D BE HAPPY TO SEND YOUR MANUSCRIPT. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Hope this helps.

Feel free to ignore.

Cur

Author: dream catcher
Date:   11-05-09 23:24

Cur,
Thank you for the advice. I changed the query up a little. Let me know if it is any better.

Dear Agent,

A simple touch… a warm embrace, that’s all Elsie Montoyage desires from her newfound love, but his appearance, and the secret he holds, may render that impossible.

The first time seventeen-year-old Elsie encounters him, she is moments away from ending her life. But when she notices someone is standing behind her in the mirror, it sends her bottle of pills crashing to the floor, then he’s gone. The next day he materializes next to her, and she finds out that Aiden Prescott has no intention to leave.

She isn’t sure why she is the only one who can see him, and she has no idea that his comatose body is in the hospital. A result of the same accident that she was in that claimed the life of her foster sister only months ago. Losing her mother the day she was born, and her father’s past brutal attacks, contributes to her untrusting present. But Aiden’s willingness to convince Elsie that her sisters death wasn’t her fault, combined with his compassion, breaks down Elsie’s emotional barrier. She finds she is falling irresistibly in love with him, and together they both start to crave the one thing they can’t have, a simple embrace. But if she discovers his car was the final impact that killed her sister, he could lose the one thing that keeps him alive, Elsie.

One fatal night will bind these two together, but if neither of them can accept that the accident wasn’t their fault, it has the potential to rip them apart.

THEN THERE WAS YOU is a 82,000-word YA Paranormal romance, which takes readers away from vampires and werewolves, and leads them towards the possibilities and magic with what our spiritual bodies are capable of.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Author: Greg Kosson
Date:   11-05-09 23:29

I'm finding it a little overwritten still. If you stick to telling the story and not commenting on it, you'll have a better query.

Phrases such as "fatal night" and "rip them apart" are too generic and unoriginal to carry the weight a query has to bear.

Don't misuse ellipsis! That alone can sink you. See Webster's Pocket Style Guide.

Author: Ray Spengler
Date:   11-05-09 23:53

his appearance > does that mean his showing up or the way he looks?

Sorry, but the meaning you intend from the first paragraph, the hook, eludes me. Fear not; I'm often dense this time of night.

dream, if I can't be somewhat intrigued by the opening sentence, I'm not motivated to continue reading it. Although, I have to say, I did. And, there's something there. Too bad I can't offer anything better than that stated above.

Ray

Author: Janice W-D
Date:   11-06-09 03:00

Dream Catcher,

Your story sounds intriguing but you have serious grammar issues. Much like writers whose first language isn't English, you repeatedly pick the almost right word or write long fragments instead of full sentences. The half-dozen errors on this one page multiplied by a 400 page manuscript will cause any agent to reject your work. You need to either take an refresher course in grammar or pay an editor to clean it up.

... Aiden Prescott has no intention to leave.

A result of the same accident that she was in that claimed the life of her foster sister only months ago.

... and leads them towards the possibilities and magic with what our spiritual bodies are capable of.

Good luck,
Janice

Author: Janice W-D
Date:   11-06-09 03:02

... a refresher course, not an.

Janice

Author: Cindy Kay
Date:   11-06-09 15:16

Dream,

I think you've got all the elements of your story that will make it an engaging Q. Good job.

Now time to work on the tone, word choice, grammar. The tone or voice of the Q reads old to me. I don't get a sense of the MC's style of thinking or voice here. I understand that the manuscript isn't in first person, but still, I think the Q would greatly benefit from a healthy dose of character voice. She's a modern teenage girl, yet she feels all floaty. Let me just list the words that give this kind of older, floaty feel to me.

warm embrace, desires newfound love, render, moments away, ending her life, claimed the life, day she was born, brutal attacks, untrusting present, compassion, emotional barrier, falling irresistibly in love, simple embrace, fatal night, bind these two together, rip them apart.

Do teenagers use these kinds of words? Does your MC think like this? I'd try to get into her head a little more with how you choose your words and phrases. Think you'd be well on your way to a great Q.

Hope this helps. Also realize that I could be completely wrong and this genre could be oozing with this sort of language. If so, don't read anything I say.

Author: dream catcher
Date:   11-07-09 02:11

Okay, so I'm going to try this again since the system ate my first reply.

I want to thank everyone for your wonderful feedback on this query.

Greg, I will see what I can do to remove all of the unnecessary clutter of the letter, and get to the meat of the story.

Ray, I guess I should have come up with a better word, thank you for pointing that out.

Janice, I want to thank you for your advice. I don't need a refresher course in grammar, I need a course. I should probably get my head out of the YA books I've been reading. The author tends to use a lot of fragmented sentences in her MC's thoughts.

Cindy, I was wary about using the voice style of my MC. We know how teens talk and think these days, and I didn't think slang words would be appropriate in a formal letter. I'm going to play around with my wording and see what I can come up with.