Author: Ray Spengler
Date:   11-04-09 23:21

My latest, though in earlier forms it’s been shopped only to receive little positive response. I’m not sure if it’s the content, the genre, or lack of credits in that I’m not traditionally published. Your thoughtful input is requested. I can take serious critique and truly want that. Thanks.

Dear Agent Name;

Recently divorced, Detective Merrill Collier is a valued police officer dedicated to her job, but she’ll soon risk trading her badge for a man—to kill him.

Temporarily assigned to the FBI to help foil a terror plot, a fist to her face is the first act of a vicious assault challenging her commitment to the arrangement. Surviving that treachery, along with her new male partner she initially seeks an illegal radio transmitter and a suspect vehicle that relate to the theft of three shoulder-fired Stinger missiles. As the investigation intensifies, both agents recognize that only by taking down a mad executive and his band of thugs might hundreds of deaths be prevented.

While she’s a strong, successful woman, pursuing a career that places her in frequent contact with the horrific faults of others leads her to reflect on her own perceived major failure in life: that of achieving shared, loving commitment. Now, facing danger together with her new partner, she reconsiders that perception. Their personal bond deepening amid spilled blood and dodged bullets, aided by intercepted radio transmissions and a mortally wounded colleague, Merrill confronts hardened killers and recovers two of the Stingers.

Although drawn to pledge undying love for her partner, upon learning of the brutal murder of a dear friend during the final fray, she’s driven to forfeit everything for revenge. But love triumphs over that intent while sweeping her clear of the missing third missile, allowing it to destroy its intended evil target.

At 86,000 words, MY NOVEL is Commercial Fiction; a non-genre romantic thriller intended for adult readership. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Author: Jeanne Gassman
Date:   11-04-09 23:56

Ray,

I'm getting lost in the details here. Look at that first sentence:
Temporarily assigned to the FBI to help foil a terror plot, a fist to her face is the first act of a vicious assault challenging her commitment to the arrangement.

What does that mean? She's assigned to the FBI and somebody smacks her in the face? What does this have to do with the plot?

Pare this down to the bare bones. Merill gets assigned to work with the FBI. Why? What is her expertise? She gets paired up with a guy (name??) whom she finds attractive. How does this complicate things? What are the consequences of her choices? End your synopsis there.

Also, take a look at your sentence structure. Your prose is loaded with adjectives, adverbs, and dependent clauses. Think short, crisp sentences--especially if this book is an action-driven thriller (plot makes it sound like it fits that genre). I don't think you can call it a "non-genre romantic thriller." Is the emphasis more on the relationships or on the plot? The first might tilt it to a romantic thriller; the second is just a thriller.

Just my thoughts...

Jeanne

Author: Ray Spengler
Date:   11-05-09 00:14

Thank you, Jeanne,

What a tightrope in terms of a limited amount of words--of space to present the relevant elements of the story. You're right, though, I need to tighten it.

The emphasis might be the problem; it's a near balance between the relationship of the main characters and the seriousness of the plot.

Ray

Author: Joe Zeff
Date:   11-05-09 00:58

You have a good idea for your hook, but the way you've written it is too complex. If nothing else, we don't need to know (yet) that she's recently divorced.

Author: Cindy Kay
Date:   11-05-09 09:01

Ray,

I didn't see your promise of the first sentence summary fulfilled in the Q. If your're saying your main plot is whether this woman will give up being an FBI agent in order to kill a man, you'd better make that the thrust of the Q, although I tend not to like this opening summaries for Qs.

Second look at your language. Jeanne gave some great advice. You're starting most sentences with dependent clauses, and it gives the feel of stacking up information rather than revealing with excitement.

Hope that helps.

Author: Ray Spengler
Date:   11-05-09 11:01

Joe / Cindy,

Thanks. It's amazing how you sometimes only see your flaws after others take a fresh read of a Q. Great feedback.

Ray

Author: Cathy C
Date:   11-05-09 17:03

In addition to Jeanne's comments, I'm not sure why you want to only submit this for the General Fiction shelves. This would be a good fit for both the Thriller/Suspense shelves or the Romantic Suspense shelves. But both are genre fiction and you wouldn't be subbing to the right agents with a general fiction tag.

Author: Joe Zeff
Date:   11-05-09 18:34

Suggestion: don't specify a genre in your query. That way you can send it out to agents looking for Thriller/Suspense and those looking for Romantic Suspense without changing a word.. (Of course, if you find an agent who works with both, by all means, send it!) Let the agent decide where it fits instead of limiting yourself.

Author: Don Daffron
Date:   11-05-09 18:39

Jeff:

Are you sure about this? I thought they expect you to tell them up front in the query what kind of story it is to save them time.

Author: Ray Spengler
Date:   11-05-09 22:20

Joe,

Joe,

I appreciate the suggestion but I have no creds, and making the agent do the work in deciding where a book might fit on the shelves I always thought was a no-no.

For agents looking for any miniscule reason at all to press the form rejection button, that would seem to me to be a biggie.

Help me here.

Ray

Author: Joe Zeff
Date:   11-06-09 02:48

Don, before posting again, read my name carefully and see what you did wrong.

Ray, my understanding is that you only need to specify a genre in a query if it's not already clear.

Author: Cathy C
Date:   11-06-09 12:18

I appreciate the suggestion but I have no creds, and making the agent do the work in deciding where a book might fit on the shelves I always thought was a no-no.

For agents looking for any miniscule reason at all to press the form rejection button, that would seem to me to be a biggie.

Actually, agents aren't looking for a reason to REJECT a book. They're usually looking for a reason to rep it. By opening the book to more genres, you give the agent a chance to submit it to publishers they might not otherwise have considered. I agree with Joe, but only to an extent. It's still good to mention "romantic thriller" or some such tag. All I'm saying is that by not specifying a definite shelving, you can open some additional doors to agents you might not have otherwise considered. Many agents handle both romantic suspense (on the romance shelves) as well as thrillers with romance, for example. But they usually list themselves as "romance" agents because romantic suspense is a subgenre because all romances books are together on one shelf, just like all mysteries and suspenses, whether cozy, procedural or espionage are together on another.

Give yourself as many options as possible when seeking an agent. It'll make for an easier time and you never know what an agent will think of it as (and SELL it as.) :)