Author: Hugh Kellenberger
Date:   11-02-09 15:10

First stab at a query. Its non-fiction, so proper names have been changed to avoid Google lurking. Thanks for taking a look.

Bloomington West is just like “Hoosiers.” If Dennis Hopper’s character, Shooter, was not a drunk, but instead was paid handsomely to run one of the most successful AAU programs in the country. And if, every year, the holes in the lineup were filled by a series of transfers from as close as the other city high school and as far away as Arizona.
But the 2009 state champion Tigers, who could very well win the 2010 and 2011 state titles, still were passed off as a homage to 1954 and Milan, because of a crumbling college dynasty and a 6-foot white point guard that would pull on the heartstrings of every Hoosier.
IT’S INDIANA chronicles three seasons of Bloomington West boys’ basketball, as the school transforms from a good, but never great, program to one that is the top ranked public school in the nation. It’s about the people and the events. It’s about how Bloomington West represents everything that is still good and righteous about Indiana high school basketball, and also how it is has come to be what so much of the state, steeped in history, hates.
The school’s connections to Indiana University are deep, with one player currently suiting up for the Hoosiers, another committed to play and a third being recruited. The Adidas-sponsored AAU program, Indiana Ten, that is so well-connected to Bloomington West also places players each year at Indiana. IT’S INDIANA ties the events at Bloomington South into the events at Indiana University, and how coach Tom Cream publicly tries to save the program from the NCAA violations suffered under former coach Kelvin Samp.

Author: Cindy Kay
Date:   11-02-09 15:35

Hugh,

Not my kind of book so I can't be of much help. But that first graph baffled me and I don't know why you'd go such a long way around just to make the Hoosier connection. It did not work to interest me and seemed unnecessarily convoluted.

I became most interested when you said the team was the topped ranked in the country and came from lowly origins.

But like I said, I'm not your audience.

Author: Greg Kosson
Date:   11-02-09 22:11

I'd start from scratch with this. What is this book about, and what makes it interesting to a reader?

Assuming your reader will be familiar with "Hoosiers" may be a mistake.

Your familiarity with the topic seems to trample the reader's unfamiliarity with it.

Write it for someone like Cindy, who may know nothing about basketball. Make her care.

I suggest limiting your use of commas. Write in short sentences. Every time you use a comma you're asking the reader to remember something.

It could be a good premise for a book but it's hard to tell without a clear description.

Author: Smiling Curmudgeon
Date:   11-02-09 23:33

Hugh,

This is the kind of book I might read.

But your pitch is impossible for this reader to understand. Toss it.

Take a couple days away from it. Then try again.

Sorry I can't offer specifics. Just toss it.

Feel free to ignore.

Cur

Author: Wonky
Date:   11-03-09 23:11

Why are you comparing your book to a movie?