Author: Cindy Kay
Date:   11-02-09 15:25

Dream,

I like the mystery aspect, which I think you need to make more of, here and a refreshing YA plot.

I think you're right about the hook; good idea but not yet working for you. Perhaps trying to get out the words "always dreamed," and "upon." Go at the same idea from differenent directions maybe.

Consider not starting with the abuse at age ten as I think it distracts and leads to confusion about which night was the terrible one. I think you could slip in a little info that she'd in foster care because of abuse, but leading with that sets the wrong focus.

I wouldn't have her awakening only to find out she's survived, seems too obvious. Perhaps just that Chelsea is dead. How can she decide to let go when you've just said she had nothing to hold on to? Make sure your metaphoric language is consistent.

This sentence has a lot of problems.
"He gives her the will to live again, {mysteriously holds the ability to open her up} PLEASE DON'T WRITE THAT, SOMETHING IS TERRIBLY OFF ABOUT IT -- when everyone else has failed -- and a reason for her to fight the nightmares (in her head) WHERE ELSE WOULD THEY BE? of that horrific night.

If this guy is transparent, how does she see him? Is he transparent to every one but her? This doesn't make sense either, "...he tries to reach out to her, his touch goes right through her..." He's not trying to reach out to her, he is reaching out to her, right? What he's TRYING is to make contact.

I think you need some info on why he can't just tell her where and what he is. I'm assuming they talk and so forth. Tell us what he can't explain himself. I do think you need to at least reveal that the boy was in the accident and give us some hint earlier that the accident was strange in some way so you set us up better to have a transparent boy. As I'm thinking about it, I was more intrigued when you spelled out that the boy is in a comma in the same hospital. Also that she was driving. Think you should consider putting both facts in the Q. So she's not just a victim of the accident, she's the perpetrator. Makes it all more interesting.

Think you could cut a bunch of fluffy phrases and the top half of the second graphy by quite a bit to fit more in.


Your bio bit, I think, needs some work.

THEN THERE WAS YOU is a 82,000-word y/a YA PARANORMAL romance, which takes readers away from ghosts, vampires, and werewolves, DON'T KNOW, ALTHOUGH I LIKE TH IDEA OF THIS, I'M NOT SURE IT WILL HELP YOU. AT LEAST TAKE OUT ONE OF THE LIST leading them towards the possibilities of astral projection IS THERE ANOTHER NAME FOR THIS? THE WORD ASTRAL IS USED IN SO MANY JOKE CONTEXTS THAT I'D TRY TO AVOID IT. Even though it is not yet proven scientifically, WOULD NOT SAY THIS, AND CERTAINLY NOT THE "YET," IT MAKES YOU SOUND LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO CONVINCE many people believe they have and can experience this strange phenomena. I'D LEAVE THIS BIT FOR THE NEXT GRAPH AS PART OF YOUR RESEARCH.

I am certified in Reiki Level One, and I have been attuned to the Usui System Of Natural Healing. My training includes exercises, such as meditation, on how to see and feel the energy around me, and I applied this knowledge into my manuscript. I'D MAYBE JUST SAY THAT YOU'VE STUDIED ENERGY WORK AND PROJECTING AND INTERVIEWED PEOPLE WHO ARE CONVINCED THEY'D PROJECTED THEMSELVES...BLAH, BLAH.