Author: Jason Coggeshall
Date:   11-02-09 13:22

Please let me know what you think, any advice/criticisms are much appreciated.


Dear [agent’s name]:
Trace Grivven is naturally skeptical when he is approached by two strange men claiming to have been sent by the mysterious Great Mage Typhonus. His skepticism is quickly replaced with fear as a goblin raid burns his town to the ground. Fleeing with little more than his life, Trace embarks on an adventure that will transform him in ways he cannot yet imagine.

THE LAST GREAT MAGE is a 120,000-word fantasy novel.

Magic has been siphoned away from the Free Lands ever since the end of the Great War a millennium earlier. Its sudden resurgence has thrown much of the world into turmoil, from the demons emerging in the Badlands to the reanimation of the golems that guard the elf territories. It is into this new world that Trace has been thrown, a world that up until now he believed to be nothing more than stories told by old men around campfires. Though he doesn’t yet understand his role in the coming conflict with the rogue Great Mage Tarquin and his armies, Trace slowly discovers that he is one of the first people to be born with magic in the last 1,000 years. He is also the last surviving descendant of Tarquin, and it is this lineage that has placed him in the unique position of being the only one with the power to stop the former Great Mage once and for all.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Author: Cindy Kay
Date:   11-02-09 15:30

Jason,

I'm not a fantasy fan so take my critique with that in mind.

As I read the Q, it just felt like so many other plots. I think you need to have Trace be unique and showcase that in the Q. What makes him an interesting hero and different from other fantasy heroes? What makes this land interesting? I'm thinking if you could create or focus on some fresh characters and landscape, it might help enliven what feels like a common plot.

Hope that helps.

Author: Joe Zeff
Date:   11-02-09 15:43

I read fantasy, and for me, your hook doesn't. The first sentence of your second paragraph is better, but it's still BTDT for me. I've asked it before and I'm asking again: What makes your book different from all the other fantasies out there? If you can't answer that question there's no reason sending out queries because neither agents nor publishers are looking for rehashes and twice-told tales.

Author: Ray Spengler
Date:   11-04-09 22:57

Jason,

I'm not a fan of fantasy so my critique will be one I'd generally ascribe to any fiction.

The Q reads more like a brief synopsis to me, one without indicating the end result. Not that one should always do that in a Q, but there's no focus on the protagonist's travails, his movement toward some goal. It lacks any building conflict, rather it only aludes to such. The hook is not one but is a set of words to, hopefully, intrigue the reader into reading more. I fear that it misses that mark.

How does he possibly know that he's the first one to be born with magic in the last thousand years?

The middle paragraph (sentence) might best follow the third - at the end.

But you write well in terms of grammer and flow. It's just that you're so close to the story, knowing it intmately, I'm finding it difficult to feel your passion for it.

Keep at it. After a short respite, writing other things, read it aloud to youself and see if, as a reader, it does or does not need more clarity, providing a succinct, unique perspective on the story, one that will drive the agent to see such when you're done.

just my two cents.

Ray