Author: dream catcher
Date:   11-01-09 22:32

This is my first attempt with a query for this manuscript. I'm not really happy with the hook, it just looks bland to me. Any feedback is appreciated, and I thank you in advance.

November 1, 2009

Dear Agent,

Elsie Montoyage has always dreamed about finding someone who could touch her heart. Upon finding him, she realizes that’s all he can touch.


Abused and left for dead by her father at the age of ten, Elsie, is now seventeen and living with her foster parents. Her foster sister Chelsea, who she considers her twin soul, gives her a reason to carry on, because her past is just as traumatic. But her world is shattered the moment she becomes the victim of a horrible accident. She awakens in the hospital, only to find out that she has survived the three-car collision, and Chelsea had perished. With nothing left to hold onto, she decides to let go. That is, until Aiden Prescott materializes in her bathroom, terminating her plan to join Chelsea in the afterlife.

He gives her the will to live again, mysteriously holds the ability to open her up -- when everyone else has failed -- and a reason for her to fight the nightmares in her head of that horrific night. As she starts to fall completely and overwhelmingly in love with him, she desires nothing more than the simple touch of his hand, and that’s impossible. Aiden is transparent, only Elsie can see him, and every time he tries to reach out to her, his touch goes right through her. But somewhere he is alive and breathing, just like her, and the only way she can uncover the truth about who, or what he is, is by facing the very thing she fears, the accident. If she fails, Aiden may disappear forever.

THEN THERE WAS YOU is a 82,000-word y/a romance, which takes readers away from ghosts, vampires, and werewolves, leading them towards the possibilities of astral projection. Even though it is not yet proven scientifically, many people believe they have and can experience this strange phenomena.

I am certified in Reiki Level One, and I have been attuned to the Usui System Of Natural Healing. My training includes exercises, such as meditation, on how to see and feel the energy around me, and I applied this knowledge into my manuscript.

If you are interested in the full manuscript, it is available at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Author: Ray Spengler
Date:   11-02-09 00:28

dream,

I may not be one to offer effective critisism, but I love the query. The hook is effective in my view and the body left me wanting to read the thing. Now, the genre isn't my thing but your query almost works.

Chelsea had (has) perished.
Leave off 'that horrific night'.
mysteriosly holds - maybe change to providing.
Completely and overwhelmingly - drop it.

I can only say that you whet the reader's appetite. Unfortunately, the agent should require more. Is Aiden's disappearance to be a tragic event? What does Elsie need to happen? What will transpire if he disappears? The goal is clear but the reason isn't - the result of failure.

Otherwise, I'm impressed. Keep working at it.

IMHO.

Ray

Author: dream catcher
Date:   11-02-09 01:13

Ray,
Thank you for your feedback, it was very helpful. I wasn't sure what to disclose in this letter. I didn't want to give to much out to an agent. Aiden's disappearance would be very tragic for Elsie. He is the only person she has to talk to, and he understands what she is going through. Elsie needs to uncover what happened, and find out who else was involved in the accident. Right now she blames herself for not paying attention. And when she does uncover the events of that night she will find that Aiden was in the last car that hit her. She will then blame herself, because he is in a comma. If she loses Aiden, then she will finish what she started in the bathroom, suicide. Because he is now the only reason she has to continue living.

Lets hope the system doesn't eat my reply again. Thank you again for your feedback. It was greatly appreciated.

Author: Jason Coggeshall
Date:   11-02-09 13:28

It definately sounds interesting, but I think you should show more in the query letter. I would definately add the part about Aiden being involved in the accident and now being in a coma, that really got my attention when you shared that.

Author: Cindy Kay
Date:   11-02-09 15:25

Dream,

I like the mystery aspect, which I think you need to make more of, here and a refreshing YA plot.

I think you're right about the hook; good idea but not yet working for you. Perhaps trying to get out the words "always dreamed," and "upon." Go at the same idea from differenent directions maybe.

Consider not starting with the abuse at age ten as I think it distracts and leads to confusion about which night was the terrible one. I think you could slip in a little info that she'd in foster care because of abuse, but leading with that sets the wrong focus.

I wouldn't have her awakening only to find out she's survived, seems too obvious. Perhaps just that Chelsea is dead. How can she decide to let go when you've just said she had nothing to hold on to? Make sure your metaphoric language is consistent.

This sentence has a lot of problems.
"He gives her the will to live again, {mysteriously holds the ability to open her up} PLEASE DON'T WRITE THAT, SOMETHING IS TERRIBLY OFF ABOUT IT -- when everyone else has failed -- and a reason for her to fight the nightmares (in her head) WHERE ELSE WOULD THEY BE? of that horrific night.

If this guy is transparent, how does she see him? Is he transparent to every one but her? This doesn't make sense either, "...he tries to reach out to her, his touch goes right through her..." He's not trying to reach out to her, he is reaching out to her, right? What he's TRYING is to make contact.

I think you need some info on why he can't just tell her where and what he is. I'm assuming they talk and so forth. Tell us what he can't explain himself. I do think you need to at least reveal that the boy was in the accident and give us some hint earlier that the accident was strange in some way so you set us up better to have a transparent boy. As I'm thinking about it, I was more intrigued when you spelled out that the boy is in a comma in the same hospital. Also that she was driving. Think you should consider putting both facts in the Q. So she's not just a victim of the accident, she's the perpetrator. Makes it all more interesting.

Think you could cut a bunch of fluffy phrases and the top half of the second graphy by quite a bit to fit more in.


Your bio bit, I think, needs some work.

THEN THERE WAS YOU is a 82,000-word y/a YA PARANORMAL romance, which takes readers away from ghosts, vampires, and werewolves, DON'T KNOW, ALTHOUGH I LIKE TH IDEA OF THIS, I'M NOT SURE IT WILL HELP YOU. AT LEAST TAKE OUT ONE OF THE LIST leading them towards the possibilities of astral projection IS THERE ANOTHER NAME FOR THIS? THE WORD ASTRAL IS USED IN SO MANY JOKE CONTEXTS THAT I'D TRY TO AVOID IT. Even though it is not yet proven scientifically, WOULD NOT SAY THIS, AND CERTAINLY NOT THE "YET," IT MAKES YOU SOUND LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO CONVINCE many people believe they have and can experience this strange phenomena. I'D LEAVE THIS BIT FOR THE NEXT GRAPH AS PART OF YOUR RESEARCH.

I am certified in Reiki Level One, and I have been attuned to the Usui System Of Natural Healing. My training includes exercises, such as meditation, on how to see and feel the energy around me, and I applied this knowledge into my manuscript. I'D MAYBE JUST SAY THAT YOU'VE STUDIED ENERGY WORK AND PROJECTING AND INTERVIEWED PEOPLE WHO ARE CONVINCED THEY'D PROJECTED THEMSELVES...BLAH, BLAH.

Author: dream catcher
Date:   11-03-09 09:52

Jason and Cindy,
Thank you for your replies.
And Cindy, thank you so much for taking the time to show me what needs to be worked on. I'm not sure if I was writing this wrong, because I really wanted to focus on the romance bit. But there is one more person in the story, and I didn't want to confuse an agent by bringing her in. She is the daughter of the guy who caused the accident, he was D.U.I. And she has every intention to get even with Elsie. Even though she didn't cause the accident, the girl still blames her because if she wasn't on the road that night her father may have made it home. Let me know if I'm confusing you guys, because I was afraid I would do that to an agent, that's why I left her out.

Okay, I will see what I can do with this letter, and post in again when I figure it out. Thanks again.

Author: Chris Hagler
Date:   11-03-09 18:44

Dang,

Cindy rocks.


That is all.