Author: Freda Hammond
Date:   11-08-08 08:26

I would really appreciate any words of advice on this query letter. On the news, a few days ago, they listed some of the industries likely to suffer from the troubled economy. Near the top was Media/Publishing. /sigh. Is this a bad time to be trying to break into the field? I think we need all the help we can get and sites like this are invaluable.


Dear Mr. Agent:


Jason Morez, even at the age of sixteen, knows that heroes are shaped, and not born. Bravery must be cultivated like a rare and fragile plant. Give into fear, and courage withers away. When the world around him is thrust into anarchy and chaos, his goal in life becomes simple--protect his friends and pay back those who had dared attack his town and kill his mother.


With three friends by his side, he fights for survival and struggles to make sense of a world suddenly turned insane and dangerous. Friends become enemies, safety becomes elusive, and things he had always taken for granted, like food and a comfortable place to sleep, slowly disappear. Adult survivors are rare, so it is the kids who must take control and try to keep alive the morals of a crumbling society.


This novel, which is approximately fifty thousand words long, is the first in a planned series set in this strange, new world, one where life constantly changes, new challenges arise, and where Jason learns that what attacked his city and threatens them still, comes from a place far beyond Earth. This terror does not deter him from his goal. And so, a soldier is born.


With The Changing Wind, I bring the YA reader into a type of fiction that has enthralled readers for many years. This story is an alternative to the abundance of fantasy novels that fill the shelves, and it is my celebration of a much loved sub-genre of science fiction--the post-apocalyptical novel.

I have enclosed 3 sample chapters for your review. If this story sounds like something that might interest you, I am prepared to send any further material you might request. I have enclosed a SASE for your reply.


Sincerely,

Author: Joe Trent
Date:   11-08-08 09:43

Freda,

Instead of telling the agent what the story's about, just tell the story. I know it's hard to boil it down, but it's what you need to do.

There are recent threads here that talk about the SCOOD method. You can search for them.

Also, you can cut out the part "If this story sounds...you might request." They will assume you're ready to send more chapters. And spell out "three" sample chapters.

Joe

Author: Debra Storky
Date:   11-08-08 10:23

It's much too vague. Stop trying to sound pretty and start thinking about conveying exactly what happens.

For instance, the first paragraph: "Jason Morez, even at the age of sixteen, knows that heroes are shaped, and not born. Bravery must be cultivated like a rare and fragile plant. Give into fear, and courage withers away. When the world around him is thrust into anarchy and chaos, his goal in life becomes simple--protect his friends and pay back those who had dared attack his town and kill his mother."

This is a very wordy way of saying "Sixteen-year-old Jason Morez must protect his friends and pay back the people who attacked his town and killed his mother."

Sentences like "Bravery must be cultivated like a rare and fragile plant" do not tell the agent anything except that you haven't researched how to write a query letter and are in love with your words too much. You need to tell the agent exactly what your book is about, who the main character is, and why this manuscript is different than others.

Also, the three chapters you enclose should be the first three chapters, not just three sample chapters. I hope you're aware of this.

Author: A.L. Sirois
Date:   11-08-08 10:45

You've gotten some good advice, Freda. Here's my suggestion for your query:

------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Agent:

Sixteen-year-old Jason Morez’s comfortable life is obliterated by a catastrophe that kills most adults, including his mother. Shy, bookish Jason is forced to become a warrior in order to survive and make sense of a violent new world in which children have the responsibility to maintain a crumbling society.

WITH THE CHANGING WIND is a 50,000 word speculative thriller for young adults. It tells the story of how Jason learns that what attacked his city comes from a place far beyond Earth, and how his struggle against it reshapes him into a man. The book will appeal to readers who like RELATED TITLE, RELATED TITLE, or RELATED TITLE.

A bit about my previous writing, any publications, etc, in this paragraph.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Freda Hammond

Author: S Stull
Date:   11-08-08 18:51

I agree with what the others said. Maybe your second paragraph could be your hook? Replace "he" with Jason's name.

Author: Freda Hammond
Date:   11-09-08 15:57

thanks for the advice, everyone. Funny how I can read, and re-read something and problems don't become clear until someone else points them out. Then they are suddenly obvious. Query letters are harder than I thought they would be. :-(