Author: Trina Allen
Date:   11-08-08 11:04

So far I've queried nine agents for my novel, been rejected by five (including one from WritersNet). Four queries are still out. Since no one have asked for a partial, I wonder if my query isn't strong enough. Please help!

Dear Mr. Agent:

I would like to invite you to review my young adult novel The Magic Quilt, a historical fantasy set in both the present and in 1775 Boston. Based on your success with TITLE and TITLE, I think this might be a good fit for your list.

It is tough enough to make it through the sixth grade when you aren't trying to save the world. Katharine is a shape-shifter who has traveled back to a time where electricity, cell phones and bottled water have yet to be imagined; her new friends are dead or in peril. Standing on the Lexington Green in the midst of the battle, Katharine is oblivious to her own danger. With the metallic smell of blood and gunpowder heavy in the air, she must make a choice: She can save her friends and turn the battle toward freedom or destroy the evil shifter, Dr. Ziegawart, in whatever form he might choose--an alligator, a dragon, or a tiny cockroach. As a musket ball whizzes by her head, she decides.

Patrick M. Leehey, the research director of the Paul Revere Memorial Association checked the manuscript for historical accuracy. He said, “I found your story to be quite enjoyable.” That might be because I’ve included some surprising historical facts. To name a few, Paul Revere never finished his midnight ride--he was captured by British officers before arriving in Concord. Nor did he own a horse, although he was a messenger and a spy for the revolutionaries.

The Magic Quilt is a 55,000 word historical fantasy and my second novel. I'm a longtime writer with numerous fiction and nonfiction publishing credits in magazines such as Chiron Review, Word Catalyst, Dana Literary Society, Science Scope Magazine, and Education Today. My short story "To Live Again" won first place in Write Around the Block’s January 2008 short story contest. A former middle school teacher with an MS in reading education, I write a blog about the process of writing and life after the classroom.

You can read the first two chapters of The Magic Quilt on my website, http://www.trinaallen.com. Upon your request, I am prepared to send the complete manuscript.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Trina Allen

Author: S Stull
Date:   11-08-08 18:50

You have to cut your first paragraph and make it into a really good hook--what's the meat of your story? Make it catchy. It's what sells your novel.
"
Put this, "Based on your success with TITLE and TITLE, I think this might be a good fit for your list" in the last paragraph, by "thank you for your time."

Others will comment on other things, I'm sure.

:) Lyra

Author: Greg Kosson
Date:   11-09-08 00:55

I find the first paragraph largely OK, but then you quickly lost me. Think through each sentence very carefully. Does it have meaning to someone who knows absolutely nothing about your book?

For example, what the heck is a "shape-shifter"? Bringing up a fantasy concept only you understand is immediately going to alienate the reader of your query.

How can her new friends be dead? Dead friends are old friends by definition. If she's in the here and now and also in the past, and her old friends are dead now--ow, my head hurts. Leave this out of the query. It's too complicated. They need a comic book, not Steven Hawking.

Then you use the term "evil shifter" which has no meaning and thus no hook.

The book appears to be a combination of historical fiction and fantasy:::: a hard sell to the minds of those who need to put things into the tidy marketing boxes that have become oh-so comfortably worn with use. I do think it helps that you include comments from respectable old Dr. Grudgeon.

Your writing might be excellent, but this query doesn't do justice to the manuscript because it's hard to tell what the premise is. It has to be plain to a complete stranger. We are even stupider than you think.

Author: Trina Allen
Date:   11-09-08 09:56

Thank you both for the excellent feedback. I can see that the first paragraph needs some work. This gives me a starting place.

Author: S Stull
Date:   11-09-08 13:14

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