Query Critique |
Author: Marty DeLand (---.dsl.irvnca.pacbell.net)
Date: 08-05-08 22:25
I would very much appreciate your impressions of my first query, please.
Dear Agent,
I respectfully submit my novel, THE CALL (150k), for your review.
Instead of converting the Navajo people to Mormonism, missionary John Hamblin may become one of them.
Nothing in "Elder" Hamblin’s hot-house upbringing prepares him for immersion into another alien world. His damaged faith snaps, plunging the young missionary into spiritual freefall. Hopelessly lost, John must rely on the Navajo people to show him some way back.
In 1971, I served as a Mormon Missionary on the Navajo Reservation. After those initial two years, I remained in our American Holyland for another eight. I paid my way by performing in an Indian/country band.
An intermittent command of the Navajo language landed me in situations few Anglos encounter. I learned to laugh, fight and love Indian-Style. In spite of my innocent igno-rances, those good people patiently taught me their mature wisdoms.
Thank you for your consideration,
Marty DeLand
Dear esteemed authors. What say you? And yes, in case anyone is wondering, there is an "Indian style" for practically everything.
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Re: Query Critique |
Author: Dave S (159.119.168.---)
Date: 08-05-08 23:22
Yikes, lots of problems here, Larry.
Delete your first sentence and start with your hook:
"Instead of converting the Navajo people to Mormonism, missionary John Hamblin may become one of them". - this is supposed to be the hook that makes the agent want to read on. It doesn't work. The wording is weak (ending the sentence in "them" is not good) and you've managed to make your point sound mundane. Your subject matter is interesting, but that does not grant you a waiver from coming up with a compelling hook.
Your next 3 sentences are vague, and not well worded. Just as important, they do nothing to breathe life into your story line. Try focusing on what your main character has to lose, and what to gain.
Your next 2 paragraphs should be condensed into 1 paragraph, stating your credentials. The good news is you seem to have a strong platform, which will help you get traction. But you need to rewrite it to more plainly state your background – something like this:
In 1971, I served as a Mormon Missionary on the Navajo Reservation. I stayed on the reservation for ten years, paying my way by performing in an Indian/country band. I learned to speak their language, and experienced their culture as an insider.
Now that’s not perfect, but I think a step in the right direction.
For more direction, try agentquery.com
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Re: Query Critique |
Author: Marty DeLand (---.dsl.irvnca.pacbell.net)
Date: 08-06-08 00:15
Hi Dave.
I'll give it another spin in a few days.
And you're right, I lucked into a killer platform and must learn how to max its potential.
Thanks for the ideas.
Marty
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Re: Query Critique |
Author: leslee (---.lsl-la.com)
Date: 08-06-08 10:52
Just my opinion, feel free to ignore:
I think you have the core of a good Q letter here, but you're rambling too much. If it were mine, I'd cut it to the following, then work from this framework:
Instead of converting the Navajo people to Mormonism, missionary John Hamblin may become one of them.
Nothing in "Elder" Hamblin’s hot-house upbringing prepares him for immersion into another culture. His fragile faith snaps, plunging the young missionary into spiritual freefall. John must rely on the Navajo people to show him the way back to God.
In 1971, I served as a Mormon Missionary on the Navajo Reservation in __________. A command of the Navajo language gave me experiences few Anglos encounter. Those good people patiently taught me to laugh, fight and love Indian-style.
THE CALL (150k), is complete and ready for review.
Thank you for your consideration.
Marty DeLand
Sounds like an interesting book.
I wish you the best.
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Re: Query Critique |
Author: Joe Zeff (---.lsanca.dsl-w.verizon.net)
Date: 08-06-08 15:06
Correction, leslie: THE CALL is a 150,000 word (genre) novel, and I will be happy to send it to you for review.
Don't say that it's complete, or ready for review, because if it isn't, you're not ready to query. Also, it's a bit long, even at today's inflated sizes, for something by an unknown. Consider the possibility of trimming it down by at least 30K if you don't get any bites.
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Re: Query Critique |
Author: leslee (---.lsl-la.com)
Date: 08-06-08 15:12
Correction, Joe: it's Leslee. Not Leslie.
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Re: Query Critique |
Author: Cara K (---.hsd1.ct.comcast.net)
Date: 08-06-08 23:03
I agree that 150,000 is risky for a first-time novel. I like the revised first sentence, but I think the letter could use more plot. I know most people say less is more in a query letter, but this time around, it just feels like less is less. I wonder why his faith was damaged and why it snapped. Also, when you say 'another alien world', does that mean that he was already in an alien world? If not, I'd advise deleting 'another'. Good luck with it.
--Cara K
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Re: Query Critique |
Author: Marty DeLand (---.dsl.irvnca.pacbell.net)
Date: 08-07-08 19:41
Thank you, Dave, Leslee, Joe and Cara for your responses.
Since word-count is clearly a critical issue, I must confess my fib. It’s really 180k. Bless me Joe, for I have sinned, and badly it would seem. I figured during my current edit I could whittle it down to 150k. Wow, 120k? That’s a bit more than a shave, we’re talking a furry man’s full-body wax job!
Leslee, your edit from “some way back” to “the way back to God” was an intuitive one. That’s who John finds at the end, of sorts. I have future plans for Mr. Hamblin, and so by book’s end, God will have to be enough. I’m concerned however, that most agents may see this work as strictly religious. It is most certainly not that. I also liked your tightening of the bio.
Cara, you ask great questions. I’ll hang some meat on my three boney sentences. “Another alien world” refers to John’s life as a Mormon. Mormons are acutely aware of their separation from mainstream society. But your observation points out the cutesiness of “another”, and the likelihood that it will only muddy the Perrier.
I’ll hold off on another query, until I’ve fixed your catches, including yours, Dave.
Thanks again,
Marty
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Re: Query Critique |
Author: Rick Anderson (---.hfc.comcastbusiness.net)
Date: 08-09-08 13:39
> Instead of converting the Navajo people to Mormonism,
> missionary John Hamblin may become one of them.
Just a gut feeling here. I'm certainly no expert at query writing, but it seems to me you want to focus more on the character and his situation and make it a little more personal. Also, as written, it has a passive kind of tone to it, like this is all just stuff happening to John and he's a victim of everything happening. Cut to the chase. He's going to fail in his mission so say that. And explain why that matters.
"Missionary John Hamblin fails in his mission to convert the Navajo people to Mormonism and finds himself torn between his duty to his faith and family (or whatever) and an unexpected compulsion to join the very people he was sent to enlighten."
That's a little clunky, but you get my drift there? Highlight his dilemma and his actions. Make him the active force in the first sentence.
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Re: Query Critique |
Author: Marty DeLand (---.dsl.irvnca.pacbell.net)
Date: 08-09-08 21:38
Rick,
I really like your hook line, with the exception of the word "fail". John's not a failure at all. (Well, maybe in the eyes of Salt Lake he is.) His mission is just the doorway to a much bigger and yet hidden world.
I can see your victim take, and in a way he is. But at the outset, isn't every hero a victim of the fates? I'll work on making the character active, and lose my whiny factor.
Thanks
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Re: Query Critique |
Author: Jeanne Gassman (---.ph.ph.cox.net)
Date: 08-09-08 21:44
Marty,
The word count is definitely going to be a problem, I think. But I wanted to ask you something else. Where were you on the Navajo rez? I grew up on the edge of the Reservation, in Winslow. Do you know it? My mother taught for years at Many Farms.
Just wondering if we've crossed paths. This would have been during the 1970s.
Jeanne
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Re: Query Critique |
Author: Marty DeLand (---.dsl.irvnca.pacbell.net)
Date: 08-10-08 12:22
Hi Jeanne,
I hit the Rez in early 1971. During the first two years (my missionary period) I spent time in Canyoncito, Crownpoint, Greasewood, Red Rock, Sanostee and Tuba City. I went home after my mission for about three months and then got so lonesome for the Navajos that I came back, a move discouraged by the Church.
I hooked up with the Sioux Savages out of Tuba and started working the Rez dance circuit. We played all over, including Many Farms. I used to hang out with a bootlegger by the name of Buckie Salaway. Ever buy any bootleg beer in Chinle?
I spent several mid 70’s-weekends in Winslow playing Western-Stomp at the Brown Barn, a dive Skins’ bar on the southbound side of Route-66.
The band spent quite a bit of time at NCC in Tsalie, AZ. (I think it’s now called Dine’ College.) Ever see some crazy white boy jumping around onstage with a bunch of Indin’ cowboys? It might have been me.
I finally bugged-out in ‘81, with a doozie of a case of alcoholism for my trouble. Oh well, the “bootlegger” friend might have clued you in as to how that would end.
What do you think? Did we ever meet? Maybe Shaky Drakes in Flag? The Windy Mesa in Page? For sure, it wasn’t at church!
Marty
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Re: Query Critique |
Author: Jeanne Gassman (---.ph.ph.cox.net)
Date: 08-10-08 13:00
Whoa, small world! :D One of my best friends used to hang out at the Brown Barn (or was it the Brown Jug??) every weekend. Weren't there some bikers there, too? I went with her a couple of times, but it wasn't my "thang." And yeah, I went to Shaky Drakes several times. Perhaps I saw you play??
Ever go to the Prairie Moon in Winslow?? :D That was a different kind of bar. The girls were "friendly" there. The place is gone now, abandoned and boarded up.
My parents operated an air ambulance service during the 60s and 70s and flew all over the Rez, usually for the Public Health Service. My father probably hit every one of the towns you've named--I'm certainly familiar with them. Tuba City used to have a dirt landing strip outside of town. At night, the locals would turn on their headlights from their pick-ups so he could see to land.
Did you get your beer at the Thunderbird? I seem to remember they sold a few things out back.
Those were the days. Winslow was a hopping town in the 60s and 70s, when the Interstate rolled through the center of town. The bypass nearly killed downtown, though. Most of those Mom and Pop motels and trading posts have disappeared. I drove through there recently on the way home from Albuquerque and was saddened by some of the landmarks that are gone.
A friend of mine teaches at Dine' College, but I haven't been up that way in about 10 years.
Good luck with your novel. It sounds interesting.
Jeanne
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