Query effort |
Author: Dave S (159.119.168.---)
Date: 08-03-08 21:42
After getting chewed up and spit out by Janet Reid on her Query Shark site - http://queryshark.blogspot.com - (see # 58), I have rewritten my query for the umpteenth time.
Any feedback appreciated.
Cancel the wedding-the groom is dead
The young man is found sprawled on a blood-soaked mattress, his sightless eyes staring at their final vision. The 500 guests who traveled to Stateline, Nevada for his wedding are stunned and mortified. And the victim’s prominent father, well, he’s coming apart at the seams, especially after the local police don’t seem too eager to investigate.
Enter Private Investigator Dan Reno, a casual guest at the wedding. Reno was hoping for a slow weekend, but when the father offers him roughly twice his annual salary to find the killer, he moves fast. After closing in on the murderer’s identity, Reno is nearly killed when a corrupt sheriff and his henchmen tell him to leave town. Haunted by his murdered father and a violent, hard drinking past as a bounty hunter, Reno wants no more blood on his hands. But once he discovers the sheriff is getting rich running a drug dealing ring, he’s forced to revert to his old ways to survive.
STATELINE is a 95,000-word mystery, set against the backdrop of the snowy alpine winter in the Sierras, and the lonely deserts of Nevada. It targets readers who enjoy books by authors such as James Lee Burke, Elmore Leonard, and Robert Crais.
I have a Bachelors degree in English, and live in Northern California.
Thank you for your consideration.
|
|
Re: Query effort |
Author: Cara K (---.hsd1.ct.comcast.net)
Date: 08-03-08 22:25
Dave--
Just a couple of picky points to help you along. Don't forget the period in the first sentence. As for the sentence: "And the victim’s prominent father, well, he’s coming apart at the seams, especially after the local police don’t seem too eager to investigate," I'd suggest using 'since' instead of 'after' to avoid a change of verb tense. For that matter, you might want to work on the 'don't seem too eager,' make it a stronger phrase. For example, instead of telling us what they don't seem to be doing, tell us what they are doing, even if that means that they're walking around twiddling their thumbs. Is the father really haunting him, or is Reno haunted by the murder? This next point is up for debate among various writers and agents, but I prefer to mention my title and genre in the opening paragraph. That being said, I really like your opening sentence, and I think you provide a good summary of the plot. Good luck to you.
--Cara K
|
|
Re: Query effort |
Author: Smiling Curmudgeon (---.tukw.qwest.net)
Date: 08-03-08 22:26
Dave,
A few thoughts. Feel free to ignore.
I like the hook.
"The young man" doesn't have the same grip as the hook. Consider finding a short phrase that reveals more than he's just a young man. Something like, "Jonathan Chen, internationally famous daytrader, is found sprawled on a blood-soaked mattress, sightless eyes staring at horror." Obviously, those specifics won't fit your tale. Just a thought about how to put a bit more oomph in.
Is the father a senator, business magnate? Tell us. It won't take many words. Your reader wants to know. So does your potential agent.
Consider deleting "too."
"Enter PI Dan Reno" is a bit too much like a stage play for me, but thazz just me.
Mebbe "Reno planned on a slow weekend." That might make the phrase at the end of the sentence even better.
Consider deleting the henchmen bit. A corrupt sheriff will nearly always have henchmen.
Consider deleting the last sentence about your degree and where you live.
Put some more pizzazz in this. You're getting closer.
Again, don't hesitate to ignore.
Cur
|
|
Re: Query effort |
Author: jayce (---.mob.bellsouth.net)
Date: 08-03-08 23:25
I've read several prior versions of your query. In each you have danced around the central conflict without stating who Dan Reno is up against or what he stands to lose. In this version, you come as close as you ever have to pulling back the curtain when you say:
he’s forced to revert to his old ways to survive.
Tell us: Who or what is forcing him? What old ways are you referring to? How is his survival involved?
The answers should form the crux of your query. The other stuff is secondary.
Keep trying.
|
|
Re: Query effort |
Author: Joe Zeff (---.lsanca.dsl-w.verizon.net)
Date: 08-03-08 23:33
One question jumps out at me that nobody else has mentioned: why are the guests mortified if they've not done anything to be ashamed of? I kept waiting for you to address this, but you never did. Maybe you should find a better word, such as shocked, horrified or stunned.
|
|
Re: Query effort |
Author: Dave S (159.119.168.---)
Date: 08-03-08 23:54
Thanks all for the helpful comments. Here's a rewritten version:
Cancel the wedding-the groom is dead.
The son of a lumber tycoon lies sprawled on a blood-soaked mattress, his sightless eyes staring at their final vision. The 500 guests who traveled to Stateline, Nevada for his wedding are stunned. And the victim’s prominent father, well, he’s coming apart at the seams, especially since the local police aren’t doing much but scratching their heads.
Enter Private Investigator Dan Reno, a casual guest at the wedding. Reno planned on a slow weekend, but when the father offers him roughly twice his annual salary to find the killer, he shifts into high gear. After closing in on the murderer’s identity, Reno is nearly killed when a corrupt sheriff tries to force him to leave town. Haunted by the murder of his father and a violent, hard drinking past as a bounty hunter, Reno wants no more blood on his hands. But he’s not willing to back off either, and he makes this plain to the sheriff while uncovering his involvement in a drug dealing ring that plagues the city. After the sheriff orders a team of thugs to assassinate him, Reno’s forced to revert to his old ways to survive.
|
|
Re: Query effort |
Author: jayce (---.mob.bellsouth.net)
Date: 08-04-08 13:25
You still haven't revealed who or what is "forcing" Reno to take on a corrupt sheriff and a team of thugs. Is he being blackmailed? His wife and child being held hostage? As it is, Reno doesn't seem to have anything at stake, which is necessary for conflict to be personal. Without that, we're left to wonder why he doesn't just pack it in and go home. You know, like, "Screw the team of thugs, I'm going fishing."
|
|
Re: Query effort |
Author: Dave S (159.119.168.---)
Date: 08-04-08 21:38
Jayce, your point is well taken. I have rewritten to try to capture the point you make.
Cancel the wedding-the groom is dead.
The son of a lumber tycoon lies dead on a blood-soaked mattress, his hand clutched at the knife wound in his chest. The 500 guests who traveled to Stateline, Nevada for his wedding are stunned and horrified. And the victim’s prominent father, well, he’s coming apart at the seams, especially since the local police aren’t doing much but scratching their heads.
Enter hard-luck Private Investigator Dan Reno, a casual guest at the wedding. Reno planned on a slow weekend, but when the father offers him twice his annual salary to find the killer, his plans change in a hurry. After learning the murderer is linked to a corrupt sheriff, Reno is kidnapped, nearly killed, and told to leave town or else. Haunted by the murder of his father and a violent past as a bounty hunter, Reno wants no more blood on his hands. But he’s got too much stubborn pride to back off, especially given the paycheck at stake. When he uncovers the sheriff’s involvement in a local drug dealing ring, the sheriff sends a team of thugs to assassinate Reno, forcing him to revert to his old ways to survive.
|
|
Re: Query effort |
Author: Cara K (---.hsd1.mn.comcast.net)
Date: 08-05-08 22:15
Dave--
This looks a lot better, imo, but I'd suggest reworking the last sentence. I realize that all the he's and him's refer to Reno, but it still reads a bit awkwardly, with the switch back and forth between the two men. Just a thought.
Also...I get your point for putting the kidnapping and stuff in, but I would think that, after suffering abuse, he'd be more than ready to get even. Maybe you could rework the paragraph, put the 'Haunted by....' sentence before 'After learning the murderer....' Keep it up, Dave. Good luck.
--Cara K
|
|
Sorry. You need to Join WritersNet and activate your account to post a message.
It's quick, easy and free. All we need is a valid email address and the name you wish to use here .
|
|
