Query for YA |
Author: Susan Li (---.UMDNJ.EDU)
Date: 08-01-08 13:31
Hi, I was wondering if someone would be nice enough to read through my query for me.
Dear Mr./Ms. ,
What if diseases are really caused by demons hiding shadows?
Tera has been sick for much of her life but she has never met a likeable doctor until she met one who told her about a secret place named Quadric. After her surgery, Tera is mysteriously cured and the only doctor with a clue as to why - has gone missing. It turns out that not only is Quadric real, it is an organization specializing in training teenagers to hunt demons that cause sickness. However, as Tera delves more deeply into Quadric she discovers a dark secret that holds the cause behind her own illness and that of her dying sister.
I graduated from Cornell University with a degree in English literature. I am currently a medical student at New Jersey Medical School. I have published scientific papers in Clinica Chimica Acta, Stem Cells, and the International Journal of Biomedical Science.
Red-Headed Terror is a 60,000 word Young Adult fantasy novel. The complete manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your generous time.
Sincerely,
Susan Li
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Re: Query for YA |
Author: Sarah Connor (---.st.vc.shawcable.net)
Date: 08-01-08 15:03
Hi Susan,
This is a very cool idea for a story. However, i think your query is a bit vague.
I think you're missing an 'in' in your first sentence.
Demons hiding shadows isn't right. haha
Questions:
1. Does it matter that the doctor is likeable? Has every other doctor been horrible?
2. Did the surgery mysteriously cure her or was it something else? If it was something else then why did she need the surgery in the first place?
3. If she's been cured then why is there a dark secret that holds the cause behind her own illness?
Good luck with this!
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Re: Query for YA |
Author: leslee (---.lsl-la.com)
Date: 08-01-08 15:08
Just my opinion, feel free to ignore:
"What if diseases are really caused by demons hiding shadows?"
What does "hiding shadows" mean? This is a weak opening sentence. If you're going to begin with a question, it has to pack a punch. This doesn't.
"Tera has been sick for much of her life but she has never met a likeable doctor until she met one who told her about a secret place named Quadric."
You're changing tenses within the sentence, not to mention that "Tera has been sick for much of her life" is such a turn-off, I don't know who will keep reading. And what does the "likeable doctor" have to do with it?
"After her surgery,"
What surgery?
"Tera is mysteriously cured and the only doctor with a clue as to why - has gone missing."
Can you see how awkward this is? If she had surgery, why is her cure mysterious?
"It turns out"
You don't want sentences in here that start weakly.
"that not only is Quadric real, it is an organization specializing in training teenagers to hunt demons that cause sickness."
Say what?
"However, as Tera delves more deeply into Quadric she discovers a dark secret that holds the cause behind her own illness and that of her dying sister."
I don't know how many Qs I've read lately that refer to a "dark secret," but it's way too many. Get this cliche out of your letter. And don't throw the sister in as an afterthought.
"I graduated from Cornell University with a degree in English literature. I am currently a medical student at New Jersey Medical School. I have published scientific papers in Clinica Chimica Acta, Stem Cells, and the International Journal of Biomedical Science."
That's your first good paragraph.
"Red-Headed Terror is a 60,000 word Young Adult fantasy novel. The complete manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your generous time."
Take out "generous time" and replace it with "consideration."
The credentials are good, but you're wasting them by writing a rambling Q letter that gives us no idea what your book is about. So I'm asking you - in ONE sentence - what is your book about?
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Re: Query for YA |
Author: jayce (---.mob.bellsouth.net)
Date: 08-01-08 15:29
To what leslee said, I would add only this: In one place you refer to Quadric as a "secret place", but later you call it an "organization". Which is it?
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Re: Query for YA |
Author: nom de plume (---.ptldor.dsl-w.verizon.net)
Date: 08-03-08 10:09
Agree with the above.
A quick comment:
If you are enrolled in Med school, it's understood you're a MEDICAL student there.
I don't mean to offend you but your list of scientific papers sounds awfully impressive for a Med student. If you wrote them during a long career in something else before going to Med school, you should indicate so. If your name is on these papers together with ten other names and you were not the lead author, you should rephrase this to saying that you collaborated on the research and writing of these papers (or whatever the current jargon is to express the authorship of these papers).
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Re: Query for YA |
Author: Kate B. (---.mmg.pitt.edu)
Date: 08-05-08 14:19
I have published scientific papers also, first author and otherwise. When I query, I don't include those as part of my bio, since Cell and such doesn't care about your writing ability.
If your book is heavily grounded in medical fact, I would try to make it show more in the query. You are unusually qualified to be writing this angle and I would be playing that up...if that's the route you took with the book. And (no offense to nom) but I would leave in the "medical student" part of the bio because it drives home the aspect of your life that can influence the book. Plus, I was part of a medical school and a (non-clinical) PhD student...so medical school doesn't always mean doctor-to-be.
Just my $0.02...and it's worth just that! ;)
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