Critique my query letter please |
Author: Dennis Boyle (---.dsl.chcgil.sbcglobal.net)
Date: 07-29-08 12:19
Please help me refine my query letter.
Greetings,
I have written a novel called Equality 911. The story is set 100 years in the future after an epidemic that has killed most of humanity. The survivors form a small city that is controlled by a socialist government. One man is a private business owner who struggles against draconian taxes and regulation. He is abused, whipped, and imprisoned. His lover is also tortured and humiliated. He escapes and ultimately returns to save his lover, and to wreak havoc on the town that tortured and abused him.
The novel combines political philosophy with action-adventure, along with post-apocalyptic science fiction and ancient history. The story has a gripping plot, a strong moral, and a satisfying ending. The characters are attractive and heroic. The plot is easy to follow with one big surprise. The imagery is sweeping and panoramic.
The work is pro-capitalism, pro-freedom, and pro-individualism. It will be satisfying to readers who are disturbed by creeping socialism.
I am a 49 year old married father of two. I work as a computer specialist and I live near Chicago. My background is engineering and computers. I am an avid reader with wide ranging interests. This is my first novel and it will need professional editing.
I\'d be happy to send you a complete copy of the manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.
Regards,
Dennis Boyle
dennisboyle99@gmail.com
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Re: Critique my query letter please |
Author: leslee (---.lsl-la.com)
Date: 07-29-08 12:35
Just my opinion, feel free to ignore:
Please do some basic homework on the nature of writing query letters. You can start by reading old threads in this forum. And do not send out this letter. It won't help you.
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Re: Critique my query letter please |
Author: Stacy Copping (---.hsd1.ga.comcast.net)
Date: 07-29-08 12:59
Just an example, ditto for the "feel free to ignore":
Dear (Agent's name),
(Hook) something like- In the year 3010, the few remaining survivors form (name of city).
(Plot) something like- (Character's name) struggles to keep his business afloat amid the sea of Draconian taxes, regulations, abuse, prison, and torture. He escapes and ultimately returns to save his lover, and to wreak havoc on the town that tortured and abused him.
Equality 911 is a (word count), (genre) novel.
I\'d be happy to send you a complete copy of the manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.
Regards,
Dennis Boyle
dennisboyle99@gmail.com
(phone number)
____________________________
As it has been recently pointed out to me, I am not an expert. However, I have also finished my novel and have researched the query letter format including posting it here and receiving multiple feedbacks.
Note to those who know who I'm talking to: He asked for feedback.
Good luck,
stacy
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Re: Critique my query letter please |
Author: Debra Storky (---.proxy.aol.com)
Date: 07-29-08 13:03
MY COMMENTS IN UPPERCASE
Greetings,
I have written a novel called Equality 911. SAY WHAT THE GENRE AND WORDCOUNT ARE The story is set 100 years in the future after an epidemic that has killed most of humanity. The survivors form a small city that is controlled by a socialist government. One man CHANGE TO "THE PROTAGONIST" OR "THE MAIN CHARACTER" is a private business owner who struggles against draconian taxes and regulation. He is abused, whipped, and imprisoned. His lover is also tortured and humiliated. He escapes and ultimately returns to save his lover, and to wreak havoc on the town that tortured and abused him. PRETTY GOOD SYNOPSIS
The novel combines political philosophy with action-adventure, along with post-apocalyptic science fiction and ancient history. The story has a gripping plot, a strong moral, and a satisfying ending. The characters are attractive and heroic. The plot is easy to follow with one big surprise. The imagery is sweeping and panoramic. DELETE THIS WHOLE PARAGRAPH. THE AGENT SHOULD DECIDE FOR HERSELF WHETHER THE PLOT IS GRIPPING, ETC.
The work is pro-capitalism, pro-freedom, and pro-individualism. It will be satisfying to readers who are disturbed by creeping socialism.
I am a 49 year old married father of two. I work as a computer specialist and I live near Chicago. My background is engineering and computers. I am an avid reader with wide ranging interests. This is my first novel and it will need professional editing. THE AGENT DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOUR BIO AT THIS POINT. AND NEVER TELL AN AGENT YOUR WORK NEEDS EDITING. IN FACT, NEVER SUBMIT A MANUSCRIPT THAT ISN'T THE VERY BEST YOU CAN GET IT TO BE. AGENTS EXPECT THE HIGHEST QUALITY MANUSCRIPTS AND DON'T HAVE TIME FOR WORK THAT NEEDS PROFESSIONAL EDITING.
I\'d be happy to send you a complete copy of the manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.
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Re: Critique my query letter please |
Author: Stacy Copping (---.hsd1.ga.comcast.net)
Date: 07-29-08 13:07
Scratch my example and read Debra's. Much better.
Stacy
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Re: Critique my query letter please |
Author: Debra Storky (---.proxy.aol.com)
Date: 07-29-08 13:33
Stacy, I like yours a lot.
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Re: Critique my query letter please |
Author: Stacy Copping (---.hsd1.ga.comcast.net)
Date: 07-29-08 14:57
Thank you Debra.
Dennis, you have now have two examples. Does that help?
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Re: Critique my query letter please |
Author: Dave S (159.119.168.---)
Date: 07-29-08 15:20
Dennis, I only have a few minutes, so please forgive my comments if they are less than comprehensive.
Your query should start with a hook sentence - one sentence to make the agent think "hmm, interesting - yes, I'll read more." Here's an idea for a hook below, although it's not very good:
Mild mannered Steve Johnson thought things couldn’t get worse after an epidemic decimated the world’s population.
Next, in the main body of your query, describe the story in three sentences. Focus on the protagonist, his motivations, what's important to him, and why it matters.
As far as your last two paragraphs, reduce to:
I work as a computer specialist and I live near Chicago.
Thanks you for your consideration.
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Re: Critique my query letter please |
Author: Wonky (192.250.49.---)
Date: 07-30-08 03:11
Dennis, show, don't tell. Your query is all telling.
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Re: Critique my query letter please |
Author: Dennis Boyle (---.dsl.chcgil.sbcglobal.net)
Date: 07-30-08 09:48
Thank you all! I will work on it.
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