My Query |
Author: D H (---.nyc.res.rr.com)
Date: 07-28-08 01:06
I\'ve been reading critiques of other letters on this board and the advice has been great. Curious what you think of this one. Thank you...
Attn: Mr. Smith,
Stripped of cash and cool a hemisphere from home, Brian Rogerson is STANDING UPSIDE DOWN.
Before choosing to study in South Africa, Brian wasn\'t the poster boy for independence. But when a club thug batters his dignity and muggers assault his savings, Brian is determined to avoid his family\'s tempting offer of an early flight home.
Following his friends\' advice, Brian gets away, dropping tour book attractions for a national rowing regatta at the country\'s core. There he locates and loses love, almost drowns, and meets a nation of people just as lost as he is. Drawn to disorder, he returns to Cape Town and starts a career as a standup comedian/drug mule, also finding himself the reluctant liaison in a dysfunctional relationship between his mysterious mentor, Rick, and his hot yet hell-bent housemate, Kelly. While Kelly brings Brian to brave his buried insecurities, she hides her own until secrets surface that threaten their lives. Bombing onstage at a premiere comedy club, stranding himself on the highest peak in the Western Cape, and staring down a gun barrel after hunting kidnappers in Johannesburg, Brian realizes it\'ll be a miracle if he\'s still standing at the end of his trip.
In addition to having performed standup comedy throughout the United States and South Africa, I have had several feature articles published, including a prize-winning story in Glimpse Magazine about my close friendship with a Cape Town taxi driver.
Thank you for considering STANDING UPSIDE DOWN. I look forward to sharing the 82,000 word mystery/suspense manuscript with you soon.
Sincerely,
D
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Re: My Query |
Author: Lance Ng (220.255.7.---)
Date: 07-28-08 08:16
Hi D,
your query letter's language is too contorted and fanciful. At parts the sentences are too long and unnecessarily flowery and the grammar suspiciously wrong. Halfway thru' you totally lost me in the unnecessary linguistic acrobatics...
Most agents/publishers want a query letter that spells out in straight forward, simple language what the book is about and your CV, not a back page teaser style book plot intro.
I made these mistakes myself too when I first started writing query letters - writing too fancifully. The query letter is a formal business proposition sort of letter; instead of showing off what a wordsmith and creative writer you are. That's for the manuscript. Most writers assume they'll wow the agent/publisher with their stunning ability to write in the query letter. It doesn't work that way... It just shows that you are still an amateur at your craft.
Those are my 2 cents worth.
Lance
Renaissance Publishing
www.renaissance.sg
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Re: My Query |
Author: D H (---.nyc.res.rr.com)
Date: 07-28-08 09:45
Thanks Lance. Glad I asked before sending it out.
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Re: My Query |
Author: d. Leroy (63.123.69.---)
Date: 07-28-08 14:13
Maybe it's just me that doesn't get this, but here is your first line:
"Stripped of cash and cool a hemisphere from home, Brian Rogerson is STANDING UPSIDE DOWN."
You might want to go back through this query before posting it for review.
d.
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Re: My Query |
Author: Dave S (159.119.201.---)
Date: 07-28-08 14:18
D H,
Your description of your story is all over the place.
'Brian get's away...' from what?
'dropping tour book attractions for a national rowing regatta at the country's core' All the sudden he's not a tourist but on a national rowing team? This is confusing and needs clarification.
'There he locates and loses love, almost drowns, and meets a nation of people just as lost as he is.' Locates and loses love is phrased poorly. Is he as lost as this query is?
Then he becomes a stand up comedien, a drug mule, some dude named Rick becomes his mentor, his roommate Kelly is turning him on but she's got problems, and then he's hunting kidnappers. Yowza.
You need to decide what this story is really about. It can be very tough to describe a novel in three sentences, but this is what's required of a query letter. As a starting point, try identifying the key elements of your story, and eliminate everything else.
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Re: My Query |
Author: Stacy Copping (---.hsd1.ga.comcast.net)
Date: 07-28-08 14:47
In the first line, did you mean:
Stripped of cash and a cool hemisphere from home,Brian Rogerson is STANDING UPSIDE DOWN?
That's how I read it. If so, I like it.
I found the transition from the second and third stanza confusing. He is broke but goes on a rowing regatta?
stacy
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Re: My Query |
Author: D H (---.nyc.res.rr.com)
Date: 08-17-08 12:57
Thanks for the help. How bout this?
Date
Agent
Dear Agent,
Sometimes you can't see answers until you’re upside down. Brian Rogerson's friends and family consider him helpless. To prove them wrong he abandons his sheltered life in Ohio for a semester in post-apartheid South Africa. However, when Brian stumbles upon a nationwide drug ring, whose bosses hunt him across the country, he must save more than his pride, if he wants to return home.
In addition to studying abroad in South Africa, I had a prize-winning story published in Glimpse Magazine about my friendship with a Cape Town taxi driver.
Thank you for considering STANDING UPSIDE DOWN. I look forward to sharing the 82,000 word thriller/suspense manuscript with you.
Sincerely,
D
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