Author: I. Trowell
Date:   12-13-03 20:08

(Should I send this, tomorrow I'll be ashamed of myself -- for having been so self-pitying).
The truth is, I seem to have lost it.
Somewhat beyond three score and ten, an internationally published poet and essayist, an internationally exhibited sculptor and painter (the U.S.A., Britain, Belgium, France, Africa -- in those disciplines), I have come to a halt: nothing seems to matter any more.
And yet, I still want to contribute -- something.
I don't know how to.
..For all that I tell myself I have to keep the faith, find a way to keep at it, I'm unable to be convincing.
Reinforce me. Tell me what I know, but do it with more strength and conviction than, at present, I have.
I'm reaching out, in a way, to the world.
An exposure of the mind -- heart and soul.
Thus my appeal.
In return, I'll share with you my sorrows and my gladness, which, at present, is all I have to offer.

Author: Ron Starkey
Date:   12-13-03 21:22

Ian,

To be driven darkly enough to post such an appeal, a person's mind must be fraught with the helplessness and fears associated with being lost and alone on a moonless night. Most have been through that, if not the reality, the emotional equivalent. From that fact, you must know you are not, truly, alone. Take that as a positive on which to build.

But you have come to the pass in which nothing seems to matter anymore. You must ask yourself, why? Is it a retreat because your creative fires (of which you appear to have many) have burned low? Or have they smoldered because you no longer feel you care? Chicken and eggs. It doesn't really matter which. The resulting moroseness is the same, and that is the only concern now.

This is where all the metaphors come into play. All that jazz about lifting the curtain of darkness of your moods and seeking the sunlight of happiness and promise. But how? How and where to begin? I always start by not giving a damn. Works for me.

That is to say, the key is to look inside to recall why we produce at all. Is it for others or for ourselves? If for others, then that's when you have to stop giving a damn. We create, we give birth to things that never existed, at least not the way we've built them, because it is in us to do so. Most humans, if they are fortunate enough to give thought above finding enough to eat to remain alive, strive to create. Most do it poorly, some few do it exceptionally well. More fall somewhere in between, but the impetus, the soul, of the desire lies in us, like all the rest, deep within our beings. And that soul wants, first and foremost, to create for itself. Make from nothing something of which it can feel pride or satisfaction, or both.

You, a sculptor and painter, have more of those fountains within you than most. Certainly more than I. I only sculpt passages and paint scenes. Writing I can do, and I feel happy with what I finally produce. Others like it, also, but that is unimportant. The main, and truly only, importance is that I please me. Anything outside that is sweet extras, or "gravy" as we say down here.

Ian, I've lived my whole life (and it's getting to be a pretty darn long one now) by two rules that keep me from worrying over things and getting down when things don't seem to be going well for me. 1) Don't sweat the small stuff, and 2) It's ALL small stuff. (When in doubt about applying rule #1, see rule #2.)

I might suggest you take a similar path. For the moment, just remember what you've created already. Are YOU happy with it? Yes? Then reach deeper and get on with it. No? The reach even deeper and get on with it. We are put here to produce the best we can, and we are the only ones who can judge its merit. Offhand, I'd say yours should be judged pretty well.

Now get up and start having some Happy Holidays, old man.

Ron

Author: Glen T. Brock
Date:   12-13-03 23:02

Ian,

You've lost the lust for life, my friend. If we don't have something to shake a fist at, or make passionate love to, we sink into a quigmire described best by Emmerson. "Men live their lives in quiet desperation." How true.

To get that passion for life back you must find a cause and champion it. Build an empire. Expose a charlaton. (learn to spell).

Its either that or find the absurdity in life and investigate that. Pulling back the onion skin of human nature always surprises and intrigues us.

As you have told us in your posting, you, Ian, are a man of letters. A scholar of the arts. Yet we are at the threshold of a new dark age, where people do not appreciate the arts or read, not because they can't, but because they won't. Somewhere in this violent weary world someone will die for their principles tonight, just as someone will kill for theirs. Pestilence will snuff out the lives of thousands tonight because someone is unwilling to take one further step to research why. Somewhere a middle aged man grieves for the loss of his sense of wonder, while the most wonderful things in life surrond him.

Come on, Ian! Kick them in the butt at least one more time just to let them know they haven't won! Your time isn't over yet.

Good luck!

Glen T. Brock

Author: Gullcry
Date:   12-14-03 02:04

Dear I. Trowell

The letters above provide little practical help. I have one suggestion for you to start off with. Even if it is never published, you will be doing your relatives a favour by writing what I suggest and self-publishing it. Wonderful personal histories, wonderful stories, are lost every second because people never bothered to write down -- their LIFE STORY.

Start your autobiography, investing it with as much humour, pathos, interesting bits, gossip, and some tales about your grandparents as you like. This will be YOUR book. If only people who can actually write, would do this for the sake of posterity! Because we live in a time of fleeting amusements, here today, gone tomorrow.

How about it?

Author: Karen Dionne
Date:   12-14-03 05:58

Ian -

At the risk of sounding like I'm proseletyzing, I'll just say that as delightful as creativity is, it's no substitute for spirituality, and I think that's the dilemma you're really describing. You've got a lifetime of creative acheivements behind you, but when one nears the end of one's life, more important questions/issues arise - especially if you've never given them serious consideration before - such as "Why am I here?" and "What was the meaning/purpose of my life?" I don't think sculpting a new statue or writing something new will answer those yearnings for you. You say you want to 'contribute,' and I think this is what's really at the root of that desire. I'll not go any further than that since this is a public writing-related message board, but I'll just say that the next time someone calls at your door offering to discuss the Bible, you might give them a listen.

Best,

Karen

Author: Mark York
Date:   12-14-03 10:35

Right. The meaning is you're here and made a contribution to the world. Everyone gets tired of it. Do something else that will make a difference. There's no shortage of areas that need attention.

As for the Bible, a somewhat distorted narrow mix of fact, genealogy and fantasy from a monocultural perspective. Look inside yourself, that's where the answers lie. They were millions of years in the making. That's the best track record available to draw from; it's the only one there is.

Author: Gullcry
Date:   12-14-03 11:56

Sorry, but if this author and sculptor needs to find meaning in life, to think about spirituality, I agree with the previous person. The Bible is not the answer.

Rather get the books of Michael Newton, the psyciatric doctor who uses hypnotherapy for difficult cases. Read his "Journey of Souls" and "Destiny of Souls". That will at the very least give you much to mull over.

There are many other good, reliable books in that vein. That is, IF this is your problem. It might not be at all.

I stay with my suggestion. Sit down and write a story -- a readable story -- of your memories, your history.

Author: Roy Abrahams
Date:   12-14-03 12:28

Whenever I hear how important it is to consult the Bible for answers and/or justifications of one's conduct, I think of the varius non-white races in South Africa and what happened to them at the hands of the whites who "colonized" that country. Convinced - by their interpretations of scripture - that they were the superior race, the whites set out to enslave the "Caananites" there. In our time, we saw the final result: apartheid. All done in the name of a "loving" God and his holy writ.

Author: Karen Dionne
Date:   12-14-03 13:06

Hm, I was afraid mentioning the "B" word would change the direction of this string into a debate. Let's just keep the focus on Ian and his request for help, and leave it at that.

Author: Mark York
Date:   12-14-03 13:11

You knew that and did it anyway. Believers always do. Evolutuionary legacy allows us to seek all sources of enlightenment. Oft times the simplest fairy tale isn't the answer.

Author: jEnN
Date:   12-14-03 13:26

Everything you need to know lies inside yourself. In the words of the god from 'Bruce Almighty', "Why do people keep looking up with their questions?"

Ok, so its from Bruce Almighty, but hey it meant something to me.

GOOD LUCK

Author: Murg
Date:   12-14-03 14:12

Ian, I've e-mailed you privately.

Author: Mark York
Date:   12-14-03 14:35

Nice one.

Author: Granny
Date:   12-14-03 18:04

Good grief, now we critique the way people reach out to others. Apparently, Karen's suggestion that Ian consider looking into spiritual areas of his life didn't need critique...but the very *gasp* suggestion that he might consider whatever spiritual path she walks is offensive? How disgusting...apparently it's okay to deride her spiritual suggestion and offer others as better or more valuable.

Whatever a person's spiritual walk we don't need to slap the person for it. I don't see Karen jumping on anyone for turning his life over to new age psychobabble. Choose whatever works for you.

But she was just trying to help by suggestion Ian consider looking at the spiritual side of his life -- however he pursues that, it wasn't all that bad of an idea and didn't need to be critiqued. Her choices differ widely from mine, too, but I happen to applaud her concern for another person...and I'm more than a little disappointed in a couple other folks who can't separate the "spirit" of her suggestion from their own personal predjudices.

Since when did a person's spiritual life turn into a competition?

Gran

Author: Roy Abrahams
Date:   12-14-03 18:13

Granny......I hope you don't see my post as an attempt at critiquing Karen's suggestion or as an expression of a personal prejudice. But then, how could you? I merely cited historical facts.

Author: Granny
Date:   12-14-03 18:52

Historical facts would also suggest that the root of virtually all problems in the world lie in the hands of men and the male power structure underlying the conquerer mentality but that wouldn't have contributed to the conversation either.

But if you honestly cannot see how pointing out the weakness inherent in man's reaction to religion was a slam against Karen's honest attempt to be helpful then your knee-jerk phobia of anything related to ...da da da dum...the Bible... must be deeper than it looked on the surface.

Gran

Author: Mike
Date:   12-14-03 19:55

Maybe, I. Trowell this can help:


I was distraught
I had no shoes
Until I met a man
who had no feet.




I hope I haven't worn this out here.
just trying to help.

Author: Karen Dionne
Date:   12-14-03 20:00

Thank you, Granny.

Ron, Glen, Gullcry, Mark, Jen, and I offered Ian various perspectives that might or might not provide insight on his problem. The way I see it, it's up to Ian to decide if there was anything useful to him in any of that or not. What anyone else thinks of the relative value of the advice is immaterial. However, if nothing else, perhaps Ian will take comfort from the fact that seven people (counting Murg's private email) showed that they cared.

Author: Karen Dionne
Date:   12-14-03 20:01

Make that eight people. I didn't see your post before I made mine, Mike.

Author: Roy Abrahams
Date:   12-14-03 20:25

Why not make it nine? I didn't counsel him directly but I did give him something to think about. And my post accorded with something said by two others.

Maybe it's just selective perception.

Author: Karen Dionne
Date:   12-14-03 20:41

I'm sorry. I don't understand why you want to turn this thread into a debate - either about the value of religion or semantics. Neither offers anything useful to Ian.

However, as debate seems to be the order of the day these days on WN, I think I'll go work on my novel.

Bowing out,

Karen

Author: Mark York
Date:   12-14-03 21:26

"root of virtually all problems in the world lie in the hands of men and the male power structure underlying the conquerer mentality"

Oh yeah no blame here. And while gran was dutifully busy keeping the home fires burning. Where is the gratitude? I told the man to look within. You told him to look to the sky. He'll find nice clouds but the answers still lie within his cells. Put that in your peace pipe and smoke it.

Author: Roy Abrahams
Date:   12-14-03 21:34

I Don't want to turn it into a debate and am not trying to. Nor did I deride your spiritual suggestion as Granny mentioned. Of course, she may not have been specifically refering to me; two other posters mentioned the Bible. And they posted before I did. Where is your contumley for them?

Or do they escape charges of irreverence because they have not opposed someone you seem to feel deserves your support?

Author: Karen Dionne
Date:   12-14-03 22:14

Thank you, Roy. Now I understand.

Best,
Karen

Author: Granny
Date:   12-15-03 06:24

Last post on this wandering...but you are right, Roy, I was not speaking specifically of your input. There was no reason for any of the three posters to see if they could take a potshot at anyone who revered the Bible before adding their suggestion (and, of course, Roy offered no alternate suggestion, his was just an off-the-cuff snipe based on a "correlation does imply causation" fallacy just as was my "all oppression is really caused by men so let's cut off some talley whackers" alternate view.) In both cases where alternative views were added, all that would have been needful would be: "As to spiritual needs, I would suggest..." which is respectful of each view but adds your own.

I am not opposed to the new "let's be tolerant of everyone's believe no matter what" American view of religion except that it always seems to have the rider attached that reads "unless they have some fondness for the Bible, then slap them down and stand on them to shout your view." That is so profoundly hypocritical. If all are to be heard fairly, you don't begin by taking out a large portion of the speakers. It's an intellectually dishonest way to support tolerance -- though, of course in the religious area, I meet so very very few people who are truly tolerant or alternate spirituality which is all the more reason to accept the very personal nature of it and avoid sweeping indictments.

Gran

Author: Mark York
Date:   12-15-03 10:18

It's about who gets support here and who doesn't. Most like to hear only what they want to hear. Any alternative is attacked by regulars. This holds true on all these boards. Religion may be the opiate of the masses, but it won't solve anything. Usually it does the opposite. It doesn't matter if we send him to Bible study or Koranic prayer circle. His problems will be solved by him. There's no imaginary friend that he doesn't already know.

Author: Granny
Date:   12-15-03 10:23

I didn't expect you to get the respect thing, Mark.

Author: Kaz
Date:   12-15-03 11:01

Hi Ian,
I think your lack of desire/motivation for creativity could point to aging. Many of us tend to look back rather than ahead when we reach the ‘autumn’ of life. In the back of our minds is the thought that we no longer have the time to create, that the exuberance of healthier and younger years of opportunity are lost. It is a negative way of looking at life. We begin to look back at our own efforts in life with a strong and critical eye. The solution could lie in the acceptance that we are slowed down, and in a determination to keep on living life to the fullest, and not looking back, but ahead. Be proud of your accomplishments. If you no longer have the motivation to create poetry or artwork, find something else. Try cooking for friends, being active in church or community, writing a novel, or illustrating a coffee table book graced by your already created poems, taking a trip to the mountains…whatever it takes to put you in the groove of living and looking to the future. Most of us are not remembered for what we may have accomplished, but for how we treated family, friends, and neighbors.
Best wishes, Kaz

Author: Ring
Date:   12-15-03 11:40

The great writers in history and the best of today have often relied on the Bible as their source of inspiration. Dostoevsky read the Bible while in prison and drew a cross in the dirt when he had nothing else to live for and out of his intropsection came some of the finest literature.

Author: Elise
Date:   12-15-03 11:54

Ian I just read the whole strand of replies to your plea for help and I feel the need to apologize to you. I was expecting to see insightful replies and words of encouragement and some humor in response, and there were some, but mostly there was just bickering and debating concerning something totally off topic. I put myself in your shoes as I was reading and I felt discouraged. My advice to you is to sit down and re-examine life. As artists we draw inspiration from everything around us that inspires us to create, and as we create more and grow as artists, so do our objects of inspiration; so much that we can start to overlook the simplest things in life that can provide the biggest inspiration and ignite your passion to create. Try to see everything objectively and let it inspire you instead of looking subjectively for inspiration in certain places or things.

Author: George
Date:   12-15-03 11:55

Ian,

Read Marcus Aurelius and Seneca, my friend. The Stoics were people who maintained a level-headed perspective in troubling times and they lived in a far troubling era than ours. Their world was in the process of desintegrating and this makes the petty little nothings such as our temporary writers block seem like pure nonsense. All of us have it and we will continue to have it as long as we consider ourselves writers. The trick is to accept it and eventually it will leave and and you will be free again. To be free is your natural state, that is why you're in such pain. Do as the stoics did, worry about what you can control---nothing else.

George

Author: George
Date:   12-15-03 12:05

Kaz,

I noticed you mentioned the mountains as a place to treat Ian's temporary writer's block. I agree. I go there for inspiration and moral reinforcement. Recently, I hiked in Yosemite National Park, California and it made a difference in my life and work to visit there. I recomend the book Mountains of the Mind by Robert McFarlaine. Magnificent.

George

Author: Hart
Date:   12-15-03 12:13

Ian,
With the success you’ve had in this life, wanting to contribute more is noteworthy and understandable. Decide how you want to limit that outreach. Search for new avenues. Remember, the passion you have inside you is part of you. You’re just not used to the dimmer glow of the burn. Fan the flame. I wish you well. Hart.

Author: Drew
Date:   12-15-03 17:52

Ian,

Your value as a person is not your sculptures or your writings. Separate yourself from your work and realize who you are as a person. You are a valuable person, but not because you're an internationally acclaimed writer or artist. (Forgive my spelling)

Drew

Author: Bob Kellogg
Date:   12-15-03 19:42

I believe your crisis of confidence and worth is a necessary step on the way to true self-knowledge. That doesn't make it any more difficult and hard to deal with, I know, but I guarantee that everyone here has faced that demon--or eventually will--and not just creative people. Once you begin to care about yourself again, and it will happen, you have a way to express your thoughts and desires. Pity the poor devils who have no such means for self-satisfaction.

Keep that flame burning.

Bob K.
=======================================
"In the country of the blind, the one-eyed man is king."
...Rudyard Kipling

Author: I. Trowell
Date:   12-16-03 10:04

Following my "appeal" posting, Dec. 13, part of me hoped the reaction would be, "Oh, Hell, let him sort it out for himself!" (I'd consumed more than enough of a particular brand of Scotch blended to release my inhibitions). Deep down I was fretting over not getting the recognition I thought (and think) I deserve.
That said, a number of you took the time and trouble to offer thoughtful, caring advice -- at a time of year of demanding preoccupations. In all earnestness, I regard your responses as "gifts."
Certain of your postings I have kept, among them those reminding me of my need for humility, far less self-centredness.
I do thank you. You are great people.
May the season bring you joy. Have a happy and rewarding New Year.
Ian

Author: Glen T. Brock
Date:   12-16-03 11:10

Ian,

Merry Christmas to you!

I checked your site earlier and had some questions concerning your compositions. My eyesite isn't what it used to be, but it appears you primarily used a water color medium. But it seemed to have something else in the highlights. Was that a dry brush technique or an addition of craypa to bring out the texture?

I haven't read your manifesto so I'm uncertain of what movement you would classify your work. It seems to me, although obviously post impressionist, to be similar to Cubist. But your technique is softer than I would usually associate with Cubism. Perhaps it is the media. Some of the work seems to be as light as some of Kandensky's (sp)work.

Please accept my heartfelt congratualatons on your exhibit, your work,and your technique.

Glen T. Brock

Author: Anteann
Date:   12-16-03 11:43

Ian,
Not to shove religion down anyone's throat, but I personally find it very helpful to turn to God in times of stress and trouble. Also, it sounds as if you are quite gifted and accomplished and have used your gifts well. You should take great pride in that.
Ant

Author: flossy the flute
Date:   12-19-03 12:38

Ian,

I know that i'm entering this thread a little late but i just wanted to add that a lot of people feel glum at this time of year and all artists whether writers, actors, singers or sculpters question their gift from time to time. My advice is two part; if feeling down help someone else, share your life experience with children who will spend this holiday season in the hospital, visit a personal care home and spend some time with a senior who may not have family to cheer them. Next remeber that there is a purpose to your gift...that it was given to you to share, to bring hope and to enlighten...not to get into the 'Bible debate' but the Bible does talk about the joy of your first love...so I invite you to remember those early days of creating, remember what inspired you, what stirred your passion...and seek after that.

Just a few words from a newbie, hope they help....

and have a wonderful holiday season.


Flossy:)

Author: javajoan
Date:   01-05-04 11:46

Glum, glum, glum. Ian hope you're feeling a bit more hopeful by now. I woke up,once again, after sleeping in short fits all night. My writing life may be looking up, but my personal life is slowly circling the drain. God, I got up this morning, bleary-eyed, cup of coffee in hand, jonesing for a cigarette though I quit a year ago, and ended up talking to a ceramic turtle on my desk. That's crap. Right now, I don't see the day getting any better. But seeing your post reminded me I'm not the only one who at times feels like crawling into the corner. Cold comfort? You bet. But comfort nonetheless. Thanks for posting your anst.

Author: javajoan
Date:   01-05-04 18:07

Thanks Ian for the e-mail. Um, that last word is supposed to be angst. We writers are so vain, especially me, the neurotic Woody Allen type, that misspelling a word like angst is like misspelling "existential", "dread" or "despair". Strangely enough,though,I'm known for my jocular dispostition. Ha!