Please critique this

I\'m new here (and to writing in general). Don\'t be gentle. This is the almost final draft of a short story I wrote a while ago. I\'m considering submitting it for publication, but I have a nagging feeling that its not as good as I think it is. The feeling is so nagging that I haven\'t even looked into publishing venues. A friend of mine recommended this site as a good place to get it torn to shreds. So have at it.





Three Words For You‎
She sits in a library and cries because she knows that it is over.‭ ‬It was a long time ago,‭ ‬but she was too in love to realize that she had fallen out of it.‭ ‬She remembers and smiles because:

<1>it was thrilling.&#8237; &#8236;love.&#8237; &#8236;you.&#8237; &#8236;walking talking holding hands and its in the front of her mind,&#8237; &#8236;hanging,&#8237; &#8236;suspended:&#8237; &#8236;its a snapshot of you two sitting in green chairs in a starbucks laughing your arms outstretched to hold the camera in place&#8237; (&#8236;and its blurred as your hands shake,&#8237; &#8236;fingers intertwined,&#8237; &#8236;manual kisses&#8237;) &#8236;and the smile on her face could break a man\'s heart except instead it broke hers.&#8237; </i>

Her nose is full of snot.&#8237; &#8236;She should wipe it.&#8237; &#8236;She doesn\'t.&#8237; &#8236;Because earlier:

<i>it was fun at first,&#8237; &#8236;when she met you.&#8237; &#8236;the duel with eyes that became a dance.&#8237; &#8236;thrilling.&#8237; &#8236;she sat across from you in class,&#8237; &#8236;separated from the short blond boy with neon blue eyes by the endless distance of four desks and eight girls.&#8237; &#8236;they were all prettier then she was.

they flirted,&#8237; &#8236;sometimes covertly,&#8237; &#8236;often shamelessly.

the blond boy flirted back.

and she watched,&#8237; &#8236;with tiny tears in the corners of her eyes and</i>

She gulps,&#8237; &#8236;swallows mucus,&#8237; &#8236;snivels against the hardwood wall and buries her head in the soft arm of her chair.&#8237; &#8236;She is crying because:

<i>you were there&#8237; (&#8236;on the other side of miles and a telephone line&#8237;) &#8236;next to her,&#8237; &#8236;a voice whispering in her ear.&#8237; &#8236;she was so lonely.&#8237; &#8236;she had wanted someone,&#8237; &#8236;desperately as she watched her friends pair off and saw romance&#8237; (&#8236;priority number two,&#8237; &#8236;after God&#8237;) &#8236;fall and die whimpering under the iron heal of parental concern.&#8237; &#8236;you understood.&#8237; &#8236;you never said it.&#8237; &#8236;you never talked about it till after it was said and done.&#8237; &#8236;but you understood.

flashback to a theater where neon flashed hypnotically across her eyes and you whispered sweet technical nothings as heroes made of CGI danced with bullets and it didn\'t matter what you said because she could feel your breath hot on her neck and it was the most wonderful feeling in the world.&#8237; &#8236;then you were outside&#8237; (&#8236;cold air like an electric shock competes with your hand on her arm breathe deep&#8237;) &#8236;transition.

warmth.&#8237; &#8236;deep green and fake leather.&#8237; &#8236;soft chairs and warm coffee.&#8237; &#8236;voices were background music as she sipped something inoffensive and caramel and barry manilow warbled the same tune he always sings&#8237; (&#8236;but this time:&#8237; &#8236;different words&#8237;) &#8236;and she realised that this is a moment she would always remember even when</i>

She smiles through tears.&#8237; &#8236;Her wet cheeks dimple.&#8237; &#8236;She fast forwards through a year of insane happiness and immature glee.

Can

<i>see that the gamecube\'s deep blue is defined by the shadows you cast as you dance across the flatscreen,&#8237; &#8236;an elf warrior in shades of pixel characterized by statistics while rain falls against the window and</i>

You

<i>playing ball in forests of dead burned wood and bright green new growth and the ball is hunter green and bright red like christmas in april as she</i>

Hear

<i>the bells ringing they\'re singing that he has been born again&#8237;! &#8236;hear the bells ringing they\'re singing he has risen from the dead&#8237;! &#8236;the angel</i>

My

<i>\'heart beats like autumn rain when i see you.&#8206; &#8207;no depth,&#8237;\' &#8236;she reads&#8237; \'&#8236;of the ocean nor heights of the highest heaven can diminish what i feel when i listen to you speak.&#8237; &#8236;oh god above that you would give me angel to&#8237;\'</i>

Tears

<i>and sand and cold cold water and grit between your toes and she sees it all and she is laughing not because it is funny but because its you</i>

Fall

<i>\'leading to possible snow in the mountains and continuing temperatures in the forties to low fifties till thursday&#8206;\'</i>

She wants to scream it but he throat is clogged with worries and her parent are outside.&#8237; &#8236;She wishes she knew what they were talking about.&#8237; &#8236;She has a terrible sneaking suspicion that it is her.

<i>they knew all along didn\'t they</i>

She chews her lip.&#8237; &#8236;It\'s a nervous tic she acquired from television.&#8237; &#8236;She suddenly feels that she is being watched.&#8237;

<i>they can\'t know.&#8237; &#8236;they do.&#8237; &#8236;they won\'t.&#8237; &#8236;they will.</i>

<i>i have to.</i>

<i>i can\'t.</i>

<i>not without him.</i>

<i>and then she emerged from the dim of the lobby into darkness and headlights streaming past in strobe were the only thing she could see till her eyes adjusted and then you were there and the world was sunshine.&#8237; &#8236;a car revved to life beyond you and its headlights dipped and swayed across the shops across the way across a sea of painted metal and she saw painted metal.&#8237; &#8236;a sign said&#8237; \'&#8236;bucks&#8237;\' &#8236;as the headlight panned across it and then&#8237; \'&#8236;star&#8237;\' &#8236;and she pointed and then time skips.

and you two threaded your way through a labyrinth of cars&#8237; (&#8236;monochromatic in low light&#8237;) &#8236;and she hung onto your arm leaned into you and smelled your warmth and her heart was beating because it was you and no one else no matter what her mother thought.&#8237; &#8236;and then she said three words that she loved to say more than you loved to hear them</i>

She sighs.

<i>you never kissed her and she has resented it ever since she realized you never would and</i>

She cries.

<i>then you left.</i>

She cries.

<i>you left.</i>

Why&#8237;?

<i>people change.&#8237; &#8236;transition.

you were gone in a moment.&#8237; &#8236;twice.&#8237; &#8236;first slipping out her window&#8237; (&#8236;she still thought ninja then&#8237;) &#8236;a ghost across the yard and the words you had said were&#8237; \'&#8236;i\'ll be back&#8237;\' &#8236;and not&#8237; \'&#8236;goodbye&#8237;\' &#8236;like this was only temporary but years are long things&#8237; (&#8236;three-hundred and sixty-five days fifty-two weeks twelve months four quarters and in the summer perhaps but people change&#8237;) &#8236;and nothing lasts forever and she knows that now but she didn\'t then,&#8237; &#8236;not then,&#8237; &#8236;not earlier or this never would have begun.

in the classroom where she sat she could see the shocked look on the blond boy\'s face all the way across the room as the teacher traced a clean grading curve across the whiteboard in red marker

soft green and happiness.&#8237; &#8236;shock and awe and cold plastic against her butt because extremes make the best memories and this is a new one

and then the second hand struck six and the phone lit up&#8237; (&#8236;she was running low on minutes&#8237;) &#8236;and she pressed green and heard you say it again as your car hummed like a lullaby in the background and she knew a little bit then about the difficulties but not close to enough</i>

She counts them out of their orange and white bottle,&#8237; &#8236;one by one.&#8237; &#8236;They are small and blue against the mahogany of the library desk and the deep red leather of her chair.&#8237; &#8236;I made a mistake,&#8237; &#8236;she thinks:

<i>she slipped up</i>

She said three words that she could never take back and then repeated them till they were true.&#8237; &#8236;<i>The thrill was back</i>,&#8237; &#8236;she thinks,&#8237;<i> &#8236;faster,&#8237; &#8236;better,&#8237; &#8236;stronger</i>.&#8237; &#8236;And still it could have gone away,&#8237; &#8236;even amid the earnest talk of marriage and theology&#8237; (&#8236;you lost her early and often but it was you talking so&#8237;)&#8236;.

<i>then her parents found out and explosions have a certain excitement and when you stole across the lawn to her window that first time and you sat in her room on the edge of her bed and told her that you would never leave her.&#8237; &#8236;so she could take locks on the doors and spyware on the internet and monitored trips and the fact that never could she ever see you with her parents blessing because you would be there even without it

and the thrill was all,&#8237; &#8236;because that\'s what love is,&#8237; &#8236;right&#8237;? &#8236;thrilling</i>

She says softly to herself that you overwhelmed her with your personality.&#8237; &#8236;She knows she was always quiet.&#8237; &#8236;She knows that since she was young she has always followed.&#8237; &#8236;She knows that:

<i>the sound of your voice was enough for her.&#8237; &#8236;she lusted after you chastely&#8237; (&#8236;sheltered&#8237;) &#8236;and your eyes and lips and hair were able substitutes for hot flesh on hot flesh and when she heard you voice and touched your hand it was better than kissing.&#8237; &#8236;and when the kisses were gone and you were so busy away at school doing things she had always wanted to do but now would never and then the calls slowed and trickled and stopped it was as if you had fallen off the face of the earth and all she had left was suspicion and an image of a blond boy in a plastic chair and a young man in green fake leather and a ghost slipping across her yard casting a shadow that stretched till next summer.&#8237;

when the calls came again you sounded different and you used new words and none of her three images of you matched your voice.&#8237; &#8236;when you came back for the summer and slipped across her lawn as if you had never gone it wasn\'t the same.&#8237; &#8236;when your breath was hot on her neck and your voice was loud in her ear and she summoned the courage to pull you in for a kiss and you turned away&#8237; (&#8236;still&#8237;!) &#8236;it was all somehow different and so now</i>

She sits waiting for you to call and say your second parting.&#8237; &#8236;Her parents are outside and the phone sits on the desk in front of her and it will not vibrate.&#8237; &#8236;It will ring loud and clear.&#8237; &#8236;It will sing that he is risen from the grave.&#8237; &#8236;And she won\'t pick it up.&#8237; &#8236;Not at first.&#8237; &#8236;She knows you won\'t hang up.&#8237; &#8236;People change,&#8237; &#8236;but some things never do.&#8237; &#8236;Instead she will take them,&#8237; &#8236;all of them,&#8237; &#8236;small round and blue and far too many,&#8237; &#8236;and she will drop them one by one into a glass of water and drink them down.&#8237; &#8236;Then,&#8237; &#8236;as her eyes blur in chemical sleep and her parents fumble at the locked library door,&#8237; &#8236;she will answer the phone.&#8237; &#8236;She will tell you that she cannot live without you,&#8237; &#8236;and that even if you are beside her you are gone.&#8237; &#8236;She will tell you that she cannot bring you back.&#8237; &#8236;She will tell you that she does not blame you&#8237; (&#8236;though she does&#8237;)&#8236;,&#8237; &#8236;because people change.

Then she will slip up one final time.

Through the haze of coming sleep she will say three words for you.&#8237; &#8236;She doesn\'t know if she will mean them.

For some reason every time I type a apostrophe it has a slash appended to it. I don't know what did that and I don't know if they are showing up in this post (if they aren't then I'm truly frakkin lost by this site's coding). I hope they don't jar you guys out of the story too much.

Your heavy use of lower case letters that should be capped and line after line of italics calls so much attention to the formatting that it quickly tires readers out and makes it almost impossible to asbsorb the actual words. I had to stop a third of the way in. Sorry.

Best,
Janice

This strikes me as self-indulgent. The run-ons, the lower case, the italics. Way too cute.

I have no idea what you are trying to accomplish with this work, but I couldn't continue reading.

Sorry, Micah, but I couldn't get past the snot and mucus.

What they said.

My opinion is... it started out as being potentially interesting, the whole "stream of consciousness" thing, but I stopped reading it part way through because the trick became old, and the text was difficult to read without punctuation. I feel that the dramatic tension between the inner and outer worlds might have potential, but there is too much of it. You could probably fix all that with a good edit, though.